I'm Not Bragging, I Promise

I always hate when people brag about things they had nothing to do with. Like the people who brag about how tall they are or how close their parking space is (or how good they are at Yahtzee). So I try not to be one of those people. If I know I didn't have a hand in how something turned out, I try not to talk about it too much. But sometimes that's really hard to do.

My daughter will be two next month. And she seems to have a gift for speech. She doesn't just say two syllable words like most kids her age. She forms complicated sentences with contractions and conjunctions (I had to look that up). She can pronounce the word "ridiculous" better than her older brother. And just yesterday she said to me, "Daddy, can I have some of the candy in the kitchen?" What kid that age can say that?  (And when did we get candy?)

Well the problem is that it's really hard not to brag about that. In fact, I just did it in the last paragraph without even meaning to. I just wanted to mention that she's developed her speech skills quickly. But I couldn't just stop there. I'm just too impressed with her to leave it at that.  And I know this sounds cliché, but we're really just happy that we've had healthy, happy kids so far. We're very blessed not to have to deal with any major issues.  I feel like I have to say that in case people think I'm shallow or something.

But I'm really afraid of becoming that annoying parent who gets excited about normal stuff. So I'm trying not to talk about it too much. Especially since we've had nothing to do with her progress. It's not like we've been training her on it. We didn't buy any toddler teaching software or Your Baby Can Read products. In fact, I'm kinda stumped as to why she's so good at it. We're not exactly good with the words. Maybe she's just an evil genius that hasn't turned evil yet.

Long Story Short

My son asked for a story last night when it was bedtime. And I've found that I'm a pretty good storyteller for toddlers (they don't expect a lot). I usually start with, "Once upon a time, there was a little [insert animal] named [insert silly name]." And that animal usually has a friend, and they go to some location (zoo, store, school, etc.) and have various silly adventures. But last night, my son wanted a story about golf. He's been playing golf on Wii Sports recently, and I think it was still on his mind.

And for the life of me, I couldn't think of a golf story. Animals don't really play golf. But then I had an idea. I told him the story of Happy Gilmore, the boy who had to beat Shooter McGavin at golf. I told him how there was a boy named Happy who played hockey and loved it very much. And how Happy found out he was good at golf and he had a teacher who helped him. And since my son is only 3, he had no idea that I stole the entire plot from an actual movie called Happy Gilmore. I even made him laugh with lines from the movie ("Are you too good for your home?!"). Adam Sandler impressions apparently only make little children laugh.

So now I have a new strategy. I'll ask my son what he wants the story to be about, and then I'll think of a movie that references that subject. Then I'll just make the plot kid-friendly. The only problem I see is that he might actually watch these movies some day. And I will have ruined them.

I Probably Post Things Like This Too Much

Quizno's disappointed me today. They have a sandwich size known as a Bullet. And nowhere in the store did they have a sign that said "Bite the Bullet!" That's very disappointing and borderline unacceptable. They've probably lost a lot of business because of that missed opportunity.

When I played junior high football (for three weeks), the sign of a good workout was when I had to struggle not to puke. And I thought that's what it was this morning. But it turns out that almost puking is also a side effect of working out on five hours of sleep after having a big bowl of Wolf brand chili for dinner the night before. Sit-ups were a very bad idea.

I have to admit, while the main reason I'm keeping a beard right now is to solidify my nickname ("Grizz"), a secondary reason is for a Biggest Loser-type makeover reveal after the holidays when I've (hopefully) lost about 20 or 25 pounds. I think it would be awesome to come in to work after New Year's without a beard. If I've learned anything from Biggest Loser, it's that your weight loss is way more impressive when you shave.

I've started referring to my raisins as "grape jerky." And now I don't have to share.

Yay Lists!

My birthday is in December. So I make my birthday and Christmas list together, and I do it in October. Having both occasions in one month is a blessing and a curse. Because I load up on gifts at the end of the year, but if I think of something I want on December 26th, I'm out of luck for 11 more months if I don't want to buy it myself. And I thought maybe as I got older, my list would start to get shorter. But I've found that thoughts like that are stupid. Because now I just want more expensive toys that have become available only since I've become a grown-up (I use that term loosely). Now I ask for wireless electronics and Blu-ray copies of movies and video game accessories. In fact, I find myself manipulating my son's Christmas list to fill my own wants ("But he doesn't have A Bug's Life on Blu-ray yet!").

The main problem is that I'm a list person. And list people are the mental equivalent of hoarders. We collect sortable, listable things in our brains. And I can't stop making lists. I make lists of stuff I need to get done, stuff I want to do before I turn 30, places I've been, movies I've seen, and people I've killed met. I've even sat down and made a list of all my teachers' last names from the 12 years of school before college (I can't remember my 7th grade Art teacher's name to save my life and it bugs me). So the idea of making a list of a bunch of cool stuff I want that I don't have to buy is a listmaker's dream. That's one of the reasons I get so excited when October comes around. The other reasons are the much-anticipated end of Daylights Savings Time (the stupidest idea in the history of ideas), the beginning of cooler weather, and an excuse to drink pumpkin spice-flavored beverages.

My Open Letter To Barack Obama

Just kidding with the title. I'm not gonna talk about politics in a blog post. That's silly.

What I would like to talk about is something very serious… NBC's Thursday night lineup. Community is outstanding, 30Rock is hilarious, The Office is still hanging on. But Outsourced? I'm not sure how I feel about Outsourced, honestly. It's not hysterically funny. But it's also not mind-numbingly boring (like that one sitcom I can't think of right now). It has pretty funny parts here and there. But in between those decently funny moments are pretty bland moments that don't really interest me. But my problem is that it follows my three favorite comedies. And there's nothing else in that time slot that's remotely interesting to me. If I had a DVR or anything but network television programming to choose from, I might think differently. But I don't. I have to watch everything live. And my choices in that time slot are Outsourced or the second half of some drama/thriller/crime type show (CSI, Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds rerun, Fringe). So for the time being, I'll have to continue watching Outsourced.

And yes, I could turn off the TV completely. We could stand 30 minutes of quiet time. But after an hour an a half of watching the same channel, there's no way we'll find the remote quick enough to justify looking for it. So for the time being, Outsourced is still in.