When I play video games online, I don't wear my headset unless I'm playing with people I know. Because there are few things more embarrassing than realizing that you're playing a 12-year old kid… and losing to him. So I only don the headset if I have friends to talk to. And because I hate spending money, I have a wired headset that attaches to my controller. I'm too cheap to spend the 40 or 50 dollars on a wireless one. Plus, I feel that purchasing video game accessories is slightly more depressing than buying video games themselves. It's one thing to buy Rock Band. It's an entirely different thing to buy a guitar case for your Rock Band guitar controller.
Using that headset has actually provided me a new weight-loss goal. Because at least three times during each of my gaming sessions, my belly falls onto the wire. And then when I move, the wire detaches from the controller. So I made a new weight-loss goal to have so little belly that I don't pull my headset wire from its port.
The saddest part about this is that I'm not the only one of my friends who does this. It's common now for me to hear a friend get interrupted by static and then come back 15 seconds later and say, "Sorry, my stomach unplugged my headset again." We don't even laugh about it anymore. It's just normal for our fat to unplug the cord. But I guess it makes sense that my gamer friends are overweight too. I've seen the studies. It's no surprise.
The real reason I told this story is because I used a $25 Amazon Video Game credit I had to buy a wireless headset for just $18. So I can cancel that weight-loss goal now. And I can finally look like a complete geek when I play video games online.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Fun Size Fits All?
My boss put out a bowl of "fun size" candy bars. And it's made me realize that guilt is easier to deal with in smaller doses. I don't feel all that bad if I eat 13 mini-Twixes a day. But if I buy a Twix at the store and eat it in one sitting, I feel like a fatty. So it's good because I don't think my body has realized the total amount of chocolate I've been eating. It's like it says, "Oh! He's eating chocolate! But, wait… it's only one bite. Okay, false alarm guys. Go back to losing weight." My body seems to have a short attention span and a poor memory. Because I've actually lost weight since she put out the bowl of sweets. And while I'm sure the working out and smaller meals have helped, I think the "fun size" candy bars are also helping.
And you might be wondering why I keep putting "fun size" in quotations. But I think that should be pretty obvious. If I were to invent a fun size of something, it wouldn't be a miniature. A fun-sized pair of glasses would be gigantic. And a fun-sized TV would be huge. And fun-sized candy should weigh roughly six pounds. So they should stick to "bite size" for those.
And you might be wondering why I keep putting "fun size" in quotations. But I think that should be pretty obvious. If I were to invent a fun size of something, it wouldn't be a miniature. A fun-sized pair of glasses would be gigantic. And a fun-sized TV would be huge. And fun-sized candy should weigh roughly six pounds. So they should stick to "bite size" for those.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I'm Honoring Them, Really
I'm just going to assume that anyone coming to our Halloween party doesn't read my blog. Or if they do, I'll assume they know how to keep a secret. But this year for Halloween I'm gonna be a Chilean miner. Isn't that awesome?
And let me go ahead and run through the defense I have to use on most people when I tell them that:
Yes, I really am gonna be a Chilean miner. No, I don't think that's insensitive or mean. Why? Because it's not a tragic story now that they've all been rescued. I'm dressing up as one of the 33 guys on TV last week. If one of them had died, I wouldn't be making light of it. So what I'm doing is commemorating a triumph of human determination. By dressing up like them, I'm honoring their resolve and their… whatever, it's gonna be cool.
Anyway I've got a hardhat, a jumpsuit (thanks for being an engineer who visits refineries, Dad), a pair of nice sunglasses (if you don't get that one then go watch the video of their rescue), and some charcoal to rub on my face. It's gonna be awesome. And even though they were all clean-shaven when they were rescued, I'm gonna keep my beard. That's what they looked like in their webcam videos, so I think that still works (plus, I'm not ready to shave).
So now I'm really excited. It fits the three main things I go for in a costume; it's free, it's topical, and it's not offensive to anyone. And as long as there isn't another mine collapse in Chile, I won't have to buy a costume this year.
And let me go ahead and run through the defense I have to use on most people when I tell them that:
Yes, I really am gonna be a Chilean miner. No, I don't think that's insensitive or mean. Why? Because it's not a tragic story now that they've all been rescued. I'm dressing up as one of the 33 guys on TV last week. If one of them had died, I wouldn't be making light of it. So what I'm doing is commemorating a triumph of human determination. By dressing up like them, I'm honoring their resolve and their… whatever, it's gonna be cool.
Anyway I've got a hardhat, a jumpsuit (thanks for being an engineer who visits refineries, Dad), a pair of nice sunglasses (if you don't get that one then go watch the video of their rescue), and some charcoal to rub on my face. It's gonna be awesome. And even though they were all clean-shaven when they were rescued, I'm gonna keep my beard. That's what they looked like in their webcam videos, so I think that still works (plus, I'm not ready to shave).
So now I'm really excited. It fits the three main things I go for in a costume; it's free, it's topical, and it's not offensive to anyone. And as long as there isn't another mine collapse in Chile, I won't have to buy a costume this year.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I Don't Know What You're Talking About
There's a guy I work with who likes to talk about football. But he doesn't talk about football that I watch. He barely mentions the NFL, he skips over the limited amount of college football I follow, and then he talks about high school football coaches and the mistakes they've made in the past few weeks. I've never heard of any of these people. And sometimes I've never heard of the school he's talking about. But he goes on and on about Coach Smith and Coach Anderson and how much the Wildcats' running game would improve if they'd watch the game tape from last week's loss to the Stallions.
And he always wants to talk when I'm in the middle of watching Survivor during my lunch break. So just when I'm about to find out which team won immunity, he comes waltzing in and asks me if I caught the untelevised game between two unranked high school teams. I really want to just ignore him and pretend I can't hear him over my headphones, but that's rude. And I don't want to be mean. But I'm pretty sure that the next step is gonna be the football prodigy he saw in the 7-year old's league. And I can't even pretend to care about that.
And now I have to make sure never to mention my blog to him. Because I've now complained about him specifically, and he'll know for sure I was referring to him.
And he always wants to talk when I'm in the middle of watching Survivor during my lunch break. So just when I'm about to find out which team won immunity, he comes waltzing in and asks me if I caught the untelevised game between two unranked high school teams. I really want to just ignore him and pretend I can't hear him over my headphones, but that's rude. And I don't want to be mean. But I'm pretty sure that the next step is gonna be the football prodigy he saw in the 7-year old's league. And I can't even pretend to care about that.
And now I have to make sure never to mention my blog to him. Because I've now complained about him specifically, and he'll know for sure I was referring to him.
Monday, October 18, 2010
In Case You're New Here
Over a year ago (right after I started this blog) I posted "25 Things That I Should Be Ashamed Of". And because I've gained about 70 followers since then, and there are updates on a few of these, I figured I'd repost the list. So here it is:
1. At one point in my life, I knew every line from Jim Carrey's smash-hit comedy, "The Mask."
2. I have blamed my gas on my sleeping son.
3. I owned Lou Bega's album, "A Little Bit of Mambo." It was stolen from my locker in high school, and I still miss it sometimes.
4. I'm horrible at guessing movie plot twists. I didn't guess the ending to "The Sixth Sense", "The Usual Suspects", or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
5. I don't know who my congressman is.
6. Even though I shouldn't like them, I like Eminem, Kid Rock, and the smell of gasoline.
7. I fell for the "updog" joke in eighth grade... twice.
8. I am 6'3" and weigh 260 pounds, but I am an excellent dancer. I can even do "The Worm." I will never prove this to anyone.
9. I have an extensive collection of sports cards.
10. I've gotten 12 traffic tickets and two warnings.
11. I have no idea what the difference is between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. But I will argue with people about which is better just for fun. I do the same with butter and margarine.
12. I have used the same kind of deodorant for 10 years. (This one isn't true anymore. I tried Old Spice once since then and realized it's my dad's cologne. But I only realized it after I put it on. So I smelled like my dad for a full 24 hours.)
13. I had a favorite elevator at my last job.
14. I think fireworks are stupid, boring, and pointless.
15. When I see someone fall down, my first instinct is to laugh. My second is to look for a fellow onlooker to laugh with. My third is to wonder if the person is alright.
16. I lost my bowling ball. I have no idea where it is. How do you lose a 14-lb. black stone with your name on it? (Update: I went back to the one place I ever bowled with that ball and they said they didn't have it. And they never throw away a lost ball. So now I know it was stolen.)
17. I have cried while watching a reality TV show. I won't say what show it was, but the name started with a "B". (And it ended with an "iggest Loser".)
18. I saw Destiny's Child in concert.
19. I saw New Kids on the Block in concert.
20. I have an English degree, but I can't name any books I finished in college besides the Harry Potter series.
21. I have never beaten Super Mario Brothers from the original Nintendo.
22. I have an English degree because the day I had to decide on a major, I was three blocks away from the Political Science office and one floor away from the English office.
23. Taco Bell is one of my favorite places to eat.
24. I don't trust short people who are really quiet.
25. I've been blogging for over a year.
1. At one point in my life, I knew every line from Jim Carrey's smash-hit comedy, "The Mask."
2. I have blamed my gas on my sleeping son.
3. I owned Lou Bega's album, "A Little Bit of Mambo." It was stolen from my locker in high school, and I still miss it sometimes.
4. I'm horrible at guessing movie plot twists. I didn't guess the ending to "The Sixth Sense", "The Usual Suspects", or "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
5. I don't know who my congressman is.
6. Even though I shouldn't like them, I like Eminem, Kid Rock, and the smell of gasoline.
7. I fell for the "updog" joke in eighth grade... twice.
8. I am 6'3" and weigh 260 pounds, but I am an excellent dancer. I can even do "The Worm." I will never prove this to anyone.
9. I have an extensive collection of sports cards.
10. I've gotten 12 traffic tickets and two warnings.
11. I have no idea what the difference is between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. But I will argue with people about which is better just for fun. I do the same with butter and margarine.
12. I have used the same kind of deodorant for 10 years. (This one isn't true anymore. I tried Old Spice once since then and realized it's my dad's cologne. But I only realized it after I put it on. So I smelled like my dad for a full 24 hours.)
13. I had a favorite elevator at my last job.
14. I think fireworks are stupid, boring, and pointless.
15. When I see someone fall down, my first instinct is to laugh. My second is to look for a fellow onlooker to laugh with. My third is to wonder if the person is alright.
16. I lost my bowling ball. I have no idea where it is. How do you lose a 14-lb. black stone with your name on it? (Update: I went back to the one place I ever bowled with that ball and they said they didn't have it. And they never throw away a lost ball. So now I know it was stolen.)
17. I have cried while watching a reality TV show. I won't say what show it was, but the name started with a "B". (And it ended with an "iggest Loser".)
18. I saw Destiny's Child in concert.
19. I saw New Kids on the Block in concert.
20. I have an English degree, but I can't name any books I finished in college besides the Harry Potter series.
21. I have never beaten Super Mario Brothers from the original Nintendo.
22. I have an English degree because the day I had to decide on a major, I was three blocks away from the Political Science office and one floor away from the English office.
23. Taco Bell is one of my favorite places to eat.
24. I don't trust short people who are really quiet.
25. I've been blogging for over a year.
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