Things You Won't Hear Me Say:
- "Sixths" - (it's too difficult to say unless you say it in slow-mo)
- Any words with "th" in the middle of them, like "mythic," "method," or "lethal" - (they make me think I have a lisp)
- "I'm a hugger."
- "I think just a salad this time."
- "Extra mustard and pickles."
- "I'm buying."
- "I just finished the Twilight series."
Things I Regret Ever Saying:
- "My kids will never do that."
- "It's okay, I don't think the mold got on the other end of the loaf."
- "I think it'll be easier to lose weight once I get married."
- "I can't wait to see King Kong."
Things I Regret NOT Saying:
- "Wait, are there free refills on this mango juice?"
- "Dude, you have a booger."
- "Dude, your fly's open."
- "Dude, you have something in your teeth."
- "No, that's okay. I'm full."
- "Andrew, do you need to go potty before we get in the car for 3 hours?"
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Busted
My older brother decided at a party once that he needed to impress a girl. He thought she was cute, he wanted to take a chance, so he talked to her. And he decided he'd try his hand at lying.
Sidenote, here. My brother is not a liar. He's a very truthful, albeit somewhat boring, person. So this was out of character for him.
So to try to impress this girl, he told her that he played football. And being about 6-foot 5 with the build of a lineman, that's not a stretch. He's definitely got the physique of a football player. So he told the girl that he was on the offensive line for the University of Houston Cougars. He figured it was a safe lie because most girls don't follow collegiate sports enough to call him on it. And in this case, he was wrong.
Her response was excitement, as he had hoped. But her excitement was that she had met one of her boyfriend's teammates. She said, "No way! My boyfriend plays left tackle for the Cougars! So you must be a friend of his!"
I wasn't at this party, but I wish I had been just to see my brother's face. He realized immediately that this was a bad idea. She has a boyfriend - strike one. He plays football and you just pretended to do what he does in order to impress his girlfriend - strike two and three.
So my brother had to try to quickly explain his intentions before the boyfriend showed up again. And he thoroughly embarrassed himself by explaining that he'd never played football, and he was just trying to impress her. I don't think she even responded out loud. She just looked at him in disgust and then walked away.
I assume he left pretty quickly in case of retribution from a giant boyfriend was coming. And I honestly feel a little sorry for him. The one time he decided to lie. But I also have to give him credit. He at least picked a persona that she'd like.
Sidenote, here. My brother is not a liar. He's a very truthful, albeit somewhat boring, person. So this was out of character for him.
So to try to impress this girl, he told her that he played football. And being about 6-foot 5 with the build of a lineman, that's not a stretch. He's definitely got the physique of a football player. So he told the girl that he was on the offensive line for the University of Houston Cougars. He figured it was a safe lie because most girls don't follow collegiate sports enough to call him on it. And in this case, he was wrong.
Her response was excitement, as he had hoped. But her excitement was that she had met one of her boyfriend's teammates. She said, "No way! My boyfriend plays left tackle for the Cougars! So you must be a friend of his!"
I wasn't at this party, but I wish I had been just to see my brother's face. He realized immediately that this was a bad idea. She has a boyfriend - strike one. He plays football and you just pretended to do what he does in order to impress his girlfriend - strike two and three.
So my brother had to try to quickly explain his intentions before the boyfriend showed up again. And he thoroughly embarrassed himself by explaining that he'd never played football, and he was just trying to impress her. I don't think she even responded out loud. She just looked at him in disgust and then walked away.
I assume he left pretty quickly in case of retribution from a giant boyfriend was coming. And I honestly feel a little sorry for him. The one time he decided to lie. But I also have to give him credit. He at least picked a persona that she'd like.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
How To Make Other Parents Mad
There's a moment in the life of every parent when they realize that no matter how careful they are and how pure their intentions, they just can't win. This moment came for my mother when my older brother was a little kid (maybe 5 or 6). He invited a whole bunch of friends to his birthday party, and he was getting excited about getting gifts. And he wondered aloud what each kid would be bringing him. But my mother, being a well-intentioned woman who's always looking out for the feelings of others, gave him a little heads-up. She told him that some of the kids who were coming may not bring a gift, and that he shouldn't be upset if they didn't bring one. And when he asked why, she explained nicely that some people don't have a lot of money to spend on birthday gifts for other kids, but that was okay because the party was about having fun, not having money. And she left it at that.
But come time for the party, my brother got a gift from every kid there. And he opened one gift to find that it had cash in it. And instead of thanking the person like he'd done for every other present, he looked right at my mom with a confused look and said, "But Mom… I thought you said they didn't have any money."
So that was the day my mom learned that you just can't win sometimes. And I'm not sure we ever saw that family again.
Well, my day to learn that lesson was this week at my son's soccer practice. I was trying to help Andrew learn to be a little more aggressive on the field. And kicking the ball away from people and putting your hand out to get around them is against all the stuff we've taught him outside of sports. So I explained to him on the way to practice, as best you can to a four-year old, that he needed to be a tad more aggressive in his attempt to get to the ball. I didn't tell him to be mean or hurt anyone. But I thought it would be more fun for him if he really committed to playing the right way. And while my intention was for him to improve, it blew up in my face. Here's how it went at practice:
Andrew (yelling to me from the field): "Daddy, I pushed that boy like you said!"
Me: "Let's not push anybody, pal."
Andrew: "But you said in the car that…"
Me: "Okay buddy! Go kick the ball!"
But come time for the party, my brother got a gift from every kid there. And he opened one gift to find that it had cash in it. And instead of thanking the person like he'd done for every other present, he looked right at my mom with a confused look and said, "But Mom… I thought you said they didn't have any money."
So that was the day my mom learned that you just can't win sometimes. And I'm not sure we ever saw that family again.
Well, my day to learn that lesson was this week at my son's soccer practice. I was trying to help Andrew learn to be a little more aggressive on the field. And kicking the ball away from people and putting your hand out to get around them is against all the stuff we've taught him outside of sports. So I explained to him on the way to practice, as best you can to a four-year old, that he needed to be a tad more aggressive in his attempt to get to the ball. I didn't tell him to be mean or hurt anyone. But I thought it would be more fun for him if he really committed to playing the right way. And while my intention was for him to improve, it blew up in my face. Here's how it went at practice:
Andrew (yelling to me from the field): "Daddy, I pushed that boy like you said!"
Me: "Let's not push anybody, pal."
Andrew: "But you said in the car that…"
Me: "Okay buddy! Go kick the ball!"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I Shouldn't Have To Explain It, He Should Just Know
One of the more frustrating things about trying to be a nice person is the amount of weird stuff you have to completely ignore. And if I could develop a program to help people increase their self-awareness, I'd be a rich man. Because while it might be funny on The Office for Michael to push the barriers of awkwardness and ignorance, it's not as funny in real life.
EXAMPLE #1
One of my older brothers thinks it's normal to clip his fingernails at any time… and in any place… in the presence of anyone. He actually carries nail clippers with him and isn't shy about pulling them out during dinners, meetings, or even weddings (yes, weddings). I understand that a person should be well-groomed. But I would much rather see a semi-unacceptable fingernail length than hear that clicking noise over a bride's vows. Especially when I'm sitting right next to him while he does it.
EXAMPLE #2
Another one of my older brothers doesn't seem to understand proper phone etiquette. He calls from elevators and concerts, he hangs up on me without any signal that the conversation is ending, and he puts me on speakerphone while brushing his teeth. Utter ridiculousness. But there's a new leader atop the list of infuriating phone etiquette breaches: eating fruit while on the phone. I know he's not messing with me, because he's totally oblivious to anything he does that might annoy other people. So somehow in his brain, it makes sense to chomp on a pear while he tries to tell me about the weather. It's like listening to Hooch drink from a bucket of pudding while a concussed person speaks in the background. And that's usually when I pretend I'm in an elevator and I "lose service" long enough for him to finish what is apparently an amazing pear.
(And in case you don't know who Hooch is, he's the one in the picture below that's not Tom Hanks. Now imagine him drinking from a bucket of pudding. Now you know what I hear in Example #2.)
EXAMPLE #1
One of my older brothers thinks it's normal to clip his fingernails at any time… and in any place… in the presence of anyone. He actually carries nail clippers with him and isn't shy about pulling them out during dinners, meetings, or even weddings (yes, weddings). I understand that a person should be well-groomed. But I would much rather see a semi-unacceptable fingernail length than hear that clicking noise over a bride's vows. Especially when I'm sitting right next to him while he does it.
EXAMPLE #2
Another one of my older brothers doesn't seem to understand proper phone etiquette. He calls from elevators and concerts, he hangs up on me without any signal that the conversation is ending, and he puts me on speakerphone while brushing his teeth. Utter ridiculousness. But there's a new leader atop the list of infuriating phone etiquette breaches: eating fruit while on the phone. I know he's not messing with me, because he's totally oblivious to anything he does that might annoy other people. So somehow in his brain, it makes sense to chomp on a pear while he tries to tell me about the weather. It's like listening to Hooch drink from a bucket of pudding while a concussed person speaks in the background. And that's usually when I pretend I'm in an elevator and I "lose service" long enough for him to finish what is apparently an amazing pear.
(And in case you don't know who Hooch is, he's the one in the picture below that's not Tom Hanks. Now imagine him drinking from a bucket of pudding. Now you know what I hear in Example #2.)
Monday, April 25, 2011
All The Right Reasons
This is my 400th blog post. And since I've reposted so much stuff and borrowed so much other stuff, 400 means absolutely nothing. Except maybe that I've spent a lot of time posting to this blog.
So let me assure you, my purest desires for this blog are still here. And in case you're wondering what those desires might be, here they are, each with an explanation:
1. Money. Lots and lots of money. - I'm not entirely sure how this works yet. Maybe some sort of benefactor. Maybe a rich cyberstalker with little to do with his/her money. Time will tell.
2. Fame. Lots and lots of fame. - Again, not sure how that works. I'm pushing two years on this thing and I'm not sure my parents even know I still post here. And if you make a graph of my followers by date (which I have), you can see a noticeable plateau since I stopped putting my link on craiglist under the title "need to sell this car quick before moving overseas - $300".
3. Creative Outlet. Lots and lots of outlet. - This one I'm feeling successful on. I rarely even share anecdotal stories with my friends anymore. When they ask me what's been going on, I just shake my head and hand them a napkin with my blog URL scribbled on it.
I'd like to pretend that I'd still write here if people weren't following me or actively/occasionally reading it. But we both know that's a lie. I do it for the people. I do it for the tens of followers I've amassed (only 6 of which are dummy accounts I created out of self-pity). Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go write my URL on a bunch more napkins. My supply is running low.
So let me assure you, my purest desires for this blog are still here. And in case you're wondering what those desires might be, here they are, each with an explanation:
1. Money. Lots and lots of money. - I'm not entirely sure how this works yet. Maybe some sort of benefactor. Maybe a rich cyberstalker with little to do with his/her money. Time will tell.
2. Fame. Lots and lots of fame. - Again, not sure how that works. I'm pushing two years on this thing and I'm not sure my parents even know I still post here. And if you make a graph of my followers by date (which I have), you can see a noticeable plateau since I stopped putting my link on craiglist under the title "need to sell this car quick before moving overseas - $300".
3. Creative Outlet. Lots and lots of outlet. - This one I'm feeling successful on. I rarely even share anecdotal stories with my friends anymore. When they ask me what's been going on, I just shake my head and hand them a napkin with my blog URL scribbled on it.
I'd like to pretend that I'd still write here if people weren't following me or actively/occasionally reading it. But we both know that's a lie. I do it for the people. I do it for the tens of followers I've amassed (only 6 of which are dummy accounts I created out of self-pity). Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go write my URL on a bunch more napkins. My supply is running low.
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