Go. Do It Now.

I know I'm a nerd for liking The Amazing Race. I realize that I may be the only person my age who watches it. But I don't really care because it's quality entertainment. My only complaint is that thanks to CBS airing 60 Minutes right before The Amazing Race, I am now trained to get excited when I see Andy Rooney's face on my television.

But I don't care if you start watching it too. If you do, great. If not, no big deal. What I do care about is that you must this instant go to Youtube and search "amazing race watermelon." You'll see a clip that's about a minute long, posted by CBS. Trust me when I say it's well worth your time.

I'm hoping the rest of the season is as good as this clip. I wonder what fruit will be the enemy next week.

Some Things I Recently Realized

Apparently if you grow a beard, lose 5 pounds, and get a haircut, people will think you've lost a ton of weight. Because I saw one of my wife's aunts this past weekend and her first question was, "Taylor, how'd you lose so much weight?" And I just saw her like three weeks ago, so I know it's not one of those "I-haven't-seen-you-in-three-years-but-I-remember-you-being-a-lot-fatter" scenarios.

I am just as violent if awakened unexpectedly by children jumping on my back as I am if awakened by an older brother playing a prank on me. And my brother-in-law is not happy with the bruise my fist left on my nephew's cheek (though one could argue he had it coming with the way he landed knees-down on me at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday).

If you tell people that your daughter's name, although spelled "Madeleine" is actually pronounced "Medallion" they'll believe you. They'll silently judge you, but they'll believe you.

Not everyone thinks it's as funny as I do that I put a McDonald's sticker on my Bible that says, "Double-Checked for Accuracy".

Referring to my wife as my "life partner" seems to be funny to everyone except my wife.

Blog post lists look better when sorted from longest paragraph to shortest.

I'm Predicting It Now

I remember making a list of the top ten things that make my heart drop. And number one on that list (posted on this very blog on August 6th, 2009) was getting a phone call from my wife that starts with, "Okay, don't be mad…." And as it turns out, my heart can drop just as much when I read those same words in a text message. This message said, "Okay, don't be mad. But I dropped my iPhone and broke the screen."

And I had a different reaction than you might think. I wasn't angry or disappointed. My very first reaction was a tiny bit of excitement. It was closely followed by disappointment, but for one fleeting instant, I got excited because I knew what was going to happen in the near future.

I'm not one to hold a grudge, and I would never actually be mad at my wife for accidentally breaking something. So I'm not counting on some kind of cruel vindication or argument ammunition. But I'll earn some husband points without even trying.

See, what will happen is that my wife will apologize profusely for the next few days. And I will continuously wave it off because I'm honestly not concerned about it. The phone is functional; it's just not pretty anymore. And it's also not my phone. So nothing about that situation bothers me. But in my wife's eyes, I'll be a patient man who has graciously accepted her apology for the travesty of destroying an Apple product. And she'll love me for it.

Let me stress here that I won't be taking advantage of her misguided sense of appreciation. I'm not gonna milk it or make her feel bad. But I will be using it for a very specific purpose. At some point in the next two weeks, she'll mention the phone and how upset she is that she did it. And my response will be to ignore her repeated apologies and immediately say, "Hey, we should rent a movie tonight." And because her mind is still on the phone and how she's apparently let me down, she'll let me pick the movie! So I'll pick Robin Hood or X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And for once, I won't have to fight for it.

I'm sure someone reading this thinks I'm joking. But I'm totally not. That is a huge win for me. I can't wait to see Russell Crowe hit someone with a flaming arrow or Hugh Jackman extend his computer-generated claws from his knuckles. And frankly, I don't know how I've gone this long without seeing the Wolverine movie.

Big Shot For A Day (Well, An Hour)

Before I begin, I'd like to mention that today is my 300th blog post. Some of them have been reruns, others were guest posts, but today will be the 300th time I've posted something to this blog. In celebration of this nifty milestone, I will be sending AFWingMom the mousepad I owe her for the caption contest she won over a year ago (sorry about that, by the way). I will also eat a cookie. So on with the blogging!

My company is hosting their fall conference next month. And as part of the festivities, we're raffling off several cool prizes. Among them are an iPad, a Flip camera, a new iPod Nano, a digital camera, a Nintendo Wii, and two Amazon Kindles (no, you can't come). I'm not eligible to win these as it would look bad for me to win a sweet prize from my own company in front of all its investors. But the cool part is that I might get to go buy all these items with the company card. The Kindle will be purchased online, but I might get to walk into Best Buy and purchase 5 really awesome products and walk out like it was nothing. And for about 15 minutes, I'm gonna feel like I'm super rich and impulsive.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because they haven't actually said that I'll get to do it. But I'm getting really excited. And I'm hoping I get to pay in cash so I can slap a wad of large bills onto the counter like a bigshot. And then I'll pretend to take a phone call and say things like "litigation" and "private jet" with a toothpick in my mouth. Okay, that might be too much. But I'm definitely wearing a suit that day!

If You Play Your Cards Right

I got a $20 gift card to Exxon/Mobil recently for signing up with their Speedpass program. And it came in the mail last week. So during my lunch break yesterday, I went to pick up a few snacks. And I stood in the gas station for at least 15 minutes due to my indecision (I'm always torn between fresh fruit and vitamin water). So I finally made my decision and plopped the energy drink and Snickers ice cream bar on the counter. And as the attendant asked me if that was everything, I noticed the emblem on her shirt. It was an orange and yellow seashell with the word "Shell" written over it. It struck me how strange it was that a former Shell employee not only switched jobs within the gas station industry, but also was still allowed to wear her former employer's vest. I couldn't believe that Exxon would allow a competitor's logo to appear so blatantly in their store.

So I handed over my Exxon gift card while I pleasantly pondered this strange scenario. And I was very confused when the Exxon employee wearing the Shell uniform handed the card back and said, "We don't accept Exxon gift cards at Shell." I stood there with my mouth open, wanting desperately to understand. I was trying to form an argument for her obviously ridiculous statement.  I must have looked like a complete idiot. Then I compounded my idiocy. Instead of taking her word for it, I leaned over her counter to look outside the window at the awning above the gas pumps. And as I saw the Shell logo again, plastered right above my car on a 30-foot sign, the full realization of my stupidity hit me.

I mumbled something about being in the wrong place and apologized as I walked towards the door. It was only when my hand was pushing it open that I realized I was still holding the ice cream Snickers and an energy drink. So I glanced back at the glaring attendant and tried my best to look insane and lost as I walked back to the cooler.  I figured if she pitied me she might not judge me for my idiotic behavior. Then I drove across the street and checked four times to make sure it was an Exxon before handing over the card.