This is not real.

For April Fools' Day this year, my wife... I mean, my younger sister decided to prank me... I mean my older brother. Oh, forget it. My wife decided to prank me. That in and of itself is astounding for two reasons. One, she generally doesn't subscribe to that kind of childish (and awesome) activity. And two, she knows how hard it is to convince me of something ridiculous. Well this year she went for it, and I must say she got me better than anyone has ever gotten me.

Now before I begin the setup, I need to reiterate the statement in the post title. What she did was not real. It was just very convincing.

I came home from work to find the bathroom door slightly ajar and the light on. Our two young children were fast asleep for nap time, and my wife was upstairs. So I went to turn out the light and something caught my eye. My two-year old son's training potty had something on it. So I turned the light back on and opened the door all the way. What I found was shocking and disgusting. Let me run you through my thoughts....

Wow, what a long day at work. I am so glad to finally be at home with my beautiful family. What's this? The bathroom door is open and light is coming out. I bet someone forgot to turn out the light. I'll be a helper and turn it off. Click. Alright, now where did I ... wait. What was that? Click. Is that... how did it... but who would... AAAHHH! Did my son do this? Why wouldn't she clean it up? Does she want me to clean it? Wait... was it my son or was it her? I hear the shower running.... Did this just happen and she's cleaning herself off?! Why would she have done this?! It can't have been her!

By now you've probably guessed what I found in the bathroom. And if you said "chocolate torpedo" then you're correct. And it looked like this:

I freaked out. I was so convinced it was a real "chunky dunk" (wouldn't you be?) that I ignored the logic that suggested it wasn't. First of all, my wife is the type of person that would vacuum, sweep, mop, and dust everyday if she could. So as disgusting as the real thing would have been, she would have cleaned it immediately for fear of stains, bugs, smells, and a surprise visit from a snobby friend. Secondly, my son could not have smeared and moved the offending "mass" without my wife's knowledge. He would have had dirty hands, and she would have noticed. So my logical side processed that much of the information, and I immediately concluded that the offender was my wife. And yes... in hindsight, that makes even less sense.

I can't imagine how foolish I looked bounding up the stairs and barging into our bathroom to determine if my wife had suddenly merged incontinence with insanity. The moment I came in the bathroom, she started laughing. So my insanity suspicions were confirmed. In my mind, the woman I've known for 7 years and the mother of my children had lost her ability (or willingness) to control her bowel movements, had decided that the proper response to the situation was to "spread the wealth", and had laughed at my understandable horror. I could have cried. But she quickly explained away the horror. My wife is not certifiably insane. I am just an idiot.

Apparently, my wife has a penchant for creating recipes for "inedible chocolate pudding". She mixed flour, cocoa, and water. And just for effect, she added diced peaches from a fruit cup. So if anyone out there needed a recipe for a "giant tootsie roll"... there you go.

Needless to say, I will never again assume that my wife is too good for April Fooling. However, I will have an elaborate, panic attack-inducing scenario planned as revenge.