Don't Do This

When I was in high school, I had a few low-grade crushes.  I wasn't obsessed with any particular girl, but there were a few female friends I wished I could impress into liking me.  And in case you haven't ever read my blog, let me give you some insight.  I am not charming, handsome, athletic, or outgoing in any way.  And I was even less of those things when I was in high school.  I was also way too self-aware when it came to interacting with people. ("Do I always breathe like this?!" "What are my arms supposed to be doing right now?")  So I didn't have a lot going for me.  You throw in the fact that I was driving a 1994 Geo Prism, and my prospects were limited ("limited" = nonexistent).

So one day, I was driving past a park near my house.  And I saw a girl from school that I thought was cute.  She was jogging on the path near the road.  And I thought to myself, "Taylor, this is your chance!  You can come across as friendly and slightly interested without embarrassing yourself!"  So I rolled down the passenger window (manually) and honked as I passed her.  I think my original plan was just to honk, wave, and move on.  And at some point I decided to call out her name in case she didn't know I was addressing her.  So as I leaned toward the window to yell, "Hey Sarah!" I stopped paying very close attention to the road.  In fact, I pretty much forgot I was driving.

So as I waved and yelled her name, I let go of the steering wheel.  Lucky for her, I only hopped the curb and skidded to a stop in the grass (no physical harm done).  Unlucky for me, I skidded to a stop about 10 feet from her (tons of emotional harm done).  And thanks to the proximity, she got a good look at my face (meaning I couldn't hide and stay anonymous).  She stopped jogging long enough to stare at me with her eyes wide and her mouth shut.  Then she slowly turned and continued jogging (a lot faster).  And we never spoke again.

So if you're looking for advice on how to impress a girl you like, I've got some for you.  If at all possible, try to avoid almost killing her with your car.  I'm sure there's more to it than that, but that's pretty much all I learned about girls while I was in high school.

Adventures In House Hunting

Today, I'd like to give a few tips to any home sellers out there.  First, if you want to sell your home (ever) then don't let lots of animals live in it.  You may not smell the soaked pet urine that permeates your abode, but every person who comes in your house will smell it.  So that appointment from 1:30 to 2:30 will only last until 1:35.  I'm not sure if there's an exact guideline I can offer for how many pets to keep in the house.  But I know it's somewhere below seven (three cats and four dogs).

One house we looked at had three cats roaming freely and all four dogs shut in the utility room (barking and clawing at the door trying to escape and eat us).  That's not exactly endearing to potential buyers.  And it scares the children.

Speaking of scaring children, don't put a dirty, naked baby doll on the bed in the guest room.  Especially if it's facing the door with its cold, dead eyes.  And especially if it's clear by the rest of your possessions that you live alone and have no children there who own said baby doll.  My nightmares are haunted by that doll.

And one last tip.  If you know people are coming to your house... leave.  Don't do yard work while they look through your house.  And don't sit in your spacious master bedroom in a sports bra and look at your laptop.  I'll never know how big that walk-in closet was because I felt awkward opening it with that lady sitting there.  And if she couldn't find a shirt to throw on while we were there, who knows what was in that closet!

You Snooze, You Lose Your Cool

One of the things my older brother always does at a new job is find a place for his lunchtime naps.  A lot of people would suggest his car as the only appropriate place.  But because he lives in Texas and doesn't want to waste gas running his air conditioner, that's not a viable option for him (except for the two or three days of cool weather per year).  So at his last few jobs, he's found empty cubicles or offices to nap in.

Disclaimer for anyone wanting to hire him: He only does this during lunch.  He doesn't nap during work hours.

Well at his newest job, he has his own office.  So he decided recently that he was going to take a nap in the privacy of that office.  He closed the door, turned off the light, and made a pillow out of a roll of paper towels covered by his gym towel (pre-workout).  Then he set an alarm and fell asleep.  About 40 minutes later (five minutes before his alarm), he woke up.  And as he reached for his phone to look at the time, he noticed that a few inches from his phone was a mouse... scurrying towards his face.

(Please take a moment to gasp at this out loud and clap your hand over your mouth.)

Needless to say, he didn't go back to sleep.  He jumped up faster than the kid at my high school who accidentally sat on his English teacher's lap during a power outage (me).  He got up so fast that he scraped his elbow on the floor.  And I'm guessing if there had been a camera on him, everyone in the country would be able to enjoy the clip on America's Funniest Videos (or YouTube for you youngsters).

The embarrassing part was explaining to his coworkers why he was so worked up about it (and why his elbow was bleeding).  Because normal men don't panic about a tiny little mouse.  So he had to explain that the only reason his heart was racing and he was acting all frantic was because he had awoken to the mouse directly in front of his face.  Then he had to explain why he was lying on the floor in his office in the first place.  And I don't think it's very easy to explain all that.  So his coworkers either think he's a weirdo who lies on the floor to take naps during work, or he's a weirdo who's terrified of mice and lies about it to save face.  So either way he's a weirdo who lies. (Homonym wordplay! Hooray!)

It's Just Laziness I Guess

People still blog, right?  This hasn't become a thing of the past like AIM away messages and dial-up, has it?  I hope not, because so much has happened since I last posted on here.  I joined Twitter (@thats_so_taylor), my wife and I started shopping for houses, we found out she was pregnant with our third child, and most importantly... I started working out!  So in theory, I should have a lot to blog about now that I have so many new sources for stories.  But that's just a theory.  You can't hold me to that expectation (I'll get a lawyer).

So I won't share everything in one post.  I'll start with the most surprising news I have.  It's not my pregnant wife.  We've experienced that twice already.  And it's not the Twitter thing (@thats_so_taylor) because I've mentioned before that I wanted to do that.  And it's not the home-shopping.  We have a kid going into school next year, and we need him in a good district.  No, in fact, the biggest news is the fact that I started working out!  (Okay, not the most interesting news, but the most likely to provide my much-needed avenue for bragging.)

So far my favorite thing about working out is my ability to flex my pecs on command.  You may have seen musclebound dudes bouncing their pectoral muscles and laughing about it.  I've always found that disturbing.  But the interesting thing is that just a few chest workouts and it's pretty easy to do the bouncy trick.  The only problem is that instead of a bouncing muscle, I have incredible bouncing man-boobs.  And it's not as disturbing as it is hilarious and embarrassing (hilarious for onlookers, embarrassing for me).  So for the time being, I'll stick to doing it while I type (a.k.a. - right now).

So now I'm looking for ways to get rid of the piggyback effect of the chest flab.  As disturbing as it would be to be able to do the pec dance for others, I'd still like to have that talent.  It's similar to my desire to cry on command.  It's not that people will think it's cool, it's that it's rare and makes people feel awkward.

Oh yeah, also... my Twitter "handle" (username? address? call sign?) is @thats_so_taylor.  Check it out and tell your friends.  So far I have one follower.  And chances are... it's not you.