The Required Halloween Post

I have a quick gripe. I'll just do it and then I can move on. There is a very big difference between a costume party and a character party. Nobody throws Halloween character parties and there's good reason for that. So if your costume involves your voice or the way you walk or certain choreographed dance moves, it's not a costume. It's an impersonation. And it's probably not a good one.

What not to do:
My older brother decided one year to dress as an old man with a walker. And instead of just looking like a senile old man, he acted like one. So he yelled at people about bowel movements and talked about the old days... for 4 hours. He didn't once break character. Which was funny for about 14 seconds... out of the 4 hours.

What to do:
One of my younger sisters dressed up like Where's Waldo. Just a simple striped outfit and matching hat with some thick glasses. Then she stood in the background of every picture she could get into. Hilarious. Not over the top. No voices, actions, etc. Just looking like what she was supposed to look and adding a little humor for pictures. Great costume.

So if you're coming to any of my future Halloween parties, don't act like something, just dress like something.

Nobody Calls Me Chicken

Sometimes when I walk down a long hallway or a long stretch of sidewalk, I try to walk with my eyes closed for a long time. It's like playing chicken with myself. I usually try to see how far or how long I can walk without freaking out about tripping or running into something (I don't recommend doing this on a crosswalk).

It's not so dangerous on a sidewalk. The worse thing that can happen is the occasional person seeing me from afar off and wondering why my eyes are closed. But it's quite dangerous in a long hallway. Because there's a chance that someone will come around a corner (who breathes quietly and doesn't wear squeaky shoes) and I'll walk right at them. And that almost happened yesterday. I was playing personal chicken in the hallway, and I opened my eyes about 5 feet from where I was going to open a door. But to my surprise there was a man standing directly in front of me, looking at me like I was insane. So, standing in the middle of the hallway like an idiot, I jumped about three feet in the air and inhaled sharply (snorted).

So the guy probably thought I fell asleep while walking and he jolted me awake. And I prefer someone thinking that over someone knowing that I play chicken with myself in a hallway.

Top Ten Things That Hit My Nostalgia Nerve When I Hear People Say Them

10. "Go fish!"

9. "Y2K"

8. "One point twenty-one jigga-watts!"

7. "As you wish."

6. "Heads up, seven up!"

5. "You sunk my battleship!"

4. "Pogs"

3. "Updog"

2. "Our Princess is in another castle."

1. "Kimmy Gibler"

Delicious... I Meant Delicious

Why is it that my older brother can say whatever he wants and nobody bats an eye? He calls people "dawg" and uses the word "true" as an affirmative response. ("Sir, would you like another Diet Coke?" - "True!") And nobody ever makes fun of him for it. But I branch out for one little phrase and everybody laughs at the nerdy fat white kid. Apparently, I'm not cool enough to pull off the phrase "this mango juice is da bomb."

Everybody at the table laughed at me and then shook their heads in unison. The only verbal response I got was, "No. You just can't.... Never again." I think it was a combination of the fact that I don't ever say that kind of stuff, I was the nerdiest person at the table, and I was commenting on mango juice. If only I was with a bunch of other nerds and we were having barbeque or something. Then maybe I could use that phrase.

The thing that I realized, though, is that I got off easy. I've held back on my more ridiculous phrases for a long time. So now I know I can't say, "You got served!" And I can definitely cross "off the chain," "tru dat," and "play on, playa" off of my list of things to say out loud.

This Is My 100th Post - And It's Not Very Good

I burned my tongue this morning. And now my mouth tastes like I licked an envelope. It's a little numb and really unpleasant. I'm sure that there's a direct correlation between coffee temperature and desire for coffee. Because the more badly I need caffeine on a Monday morning, the hotter the coffee is when I take my first sip. Kinda dragging and just want something to drink in the morning? Cold coffee. Bloodshot eyes and mumbled speech after 3 hours of restless sleep? Lava coffee.

This is yet another instance where I can never get something just right. I'm like the first two parts of Goldie Locks. Too hot, too cold. Too hard, too soft. Too much, too little. I go through an entire box of cereal and most of the milk, just trying to find the perfect ratio of the two for my bowl. I have four pounds of deodorant on one arm and a thin, worthless layer on the other. So depending on which side of me you're sitting on, you might think I work at the department store cologne counter or an underground sweatshop.

If I could just average out my mistakes with my successes, I could consider myself a success. It's like being bipolar with everything but my emotions. That's why some people who meet me think I'm an idiot, but others think I'm a certifiable genius (okay, that's just my son, but still). I remember in junior high school that I made a stupid mistake on a group assignment in science class and the girl I was working with thought I was a complete moron. And then I got nervous every time I talked to her or worked with her, so I just made it worse. I always dropped stuff and used the wrong words for stuff. And at the end of the year, I had the highest grade on the last test and she was shocked. I'm sure she thought I was the Rain Man or something like that.