Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Mild-Mannered Alter Ego

Besides this blog, I have no outlet for the satire stories I've written. And writing fake news stories "just for the fun of it" is really sad if I'm the only one who ever reads them. So for a taste of something different today, here is a satire story that I would send to The Onion if they took outside submissions (but they don't). I hope you enjoy it (but you won't).

Newest Superman Movie Rebooted Mid-film

CHICAGO — Fans were given a sneak peak of the latest film in the Superman franchise last night at Uptown Theatre. And many were surprised to find that the Zack Snyder-directed Superman: Man of Steel not only rebooted the series, but rebooted itself midway through the film.

"In the middle of the first fight scene against General Zod, the movie just kinda skipped," said audience member, Daniel Franklin. "All of a sudden, some other guy was dressed as Superman and he was flying around the city like nothing was happening. We all thought the reel got spliced or something."

The remainder of the film ignores the unresolved plotlines from the beginning of the film, eliminates the villains, retells the superhero origin story, and recasts Superman from Henry Cavill to Jake Gyllenhaal.

In a controversial move last year, Warner Brothers greenlighted a series reboot of the franchise after the less-than-stellar box office numbers for its last reboot, 2006's Superman Returns. Warner Brothers followed that with a series reboot at the 78-minute mark of the film, an unprecedented move in modern cinema.

"We just felt that we should free the audience from the events of the first half of the film," said Warner Brothers executive Timothy Cameron. "The Superman series was really painted into a corner with that first act. And it's really nobody's fault. The people in charge at the beginning of the film didn't really know what they were doing."

The sneak peak has garnered mixed reviews. Many in attendance left before the conclusion of the film, citing "uncontrollable anger" when asked for their feelings on the film. Some were simply confused.

"I guess I understand the need to reboot if the plot has gotten to a point that it can't be salvaged. But I'll be honest… I was lost for a good 20 minutes," said attendee Jason Garner. "And while it was freeing to ignore that ridiculous part at the beginning where Superman cuts glass with his eyelashes, it was tough to follow the second half with all the booing."

Many in attendance at the sneak preview were very vocal about their hopes that the movie changes before it's released. The film's producers stressed the fact that this was just a sneak peak, citing that the film is not in its final form.

"You have to understand, this is essentially a rough-cut of the film," said executive producer Lloyd Phillips. "I hope they remember that they're just watching a sneak peak. The music may end up being totally different, and we're definitely going to have to tweak the color saturation on those sunset scenes. Those are hard to watch when they're not just right."

The film opens worldwide in June 2013.

"But don't worry!" Phillips added. "We're not touching the plot. It will be exactly like you saw it tonight."

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