Isn't "Tired Old Cliche" One?

I've noticed recently that people are not really all that creative. In fact, they're downright predictable in certain situations. Here are a few examples:

If you see a cop with his lights on behind someone on the side of the road, noncreative people feel an uncontrollable urge to say, "Oh, he got somebody."

If your baby is really chubby or fat, people just have to say, "Well I guess you're just not feeding him enough, are you?"

If you're about to get married, people apparently are given a script. You'll hear three things:
"It's getting close! Are you getting nervous?"
"What's the date again? Are you excited?"
And to the groom-to-be, they say, "You sure about this? It's not too late to back out, you know?"

Then after the wedding you get, "So how do you like married life? Do you feel any different?"

The worst is with a baby. People hit you with some quickfire questioning. It's almost like they're trying to trip you up or catch you in a lie.
"How far along are you? What's your due date again? Are you excited? Boy or girl? Do you have a name picked out?"

And then they drill you again after you have the baby.
"Aw, boy or girl? How old? What's her name? She is so sweet!"

I really hate all the questioning so I don't play along. I just try to give ridiculous answers.
Them: "Aw, boy or girl?"
Me: "Well, I sure hope so!"
Them: "How old is she?"
Me: "186 days."
Them: "What's her name?"
Me: "Well, her human name is Madeleine. But her real name is Chosen Angel the Wise. The prophecy will be fulfilled in her 28th moon season."

Most people only ask my wife now.

Caption Contest

"(whispering without moving lips) Don't move... he's right behind you!!"

AFWingMom is the winner of the caption contest! Her entry is above.

AFWingMom (if that's even your real name), you win your choice from the following items:

1. Burger King coupons I found in my desk drawer

2. "Leadership" Mousepad with Michael Scott from 'The Office'

3. Or if you have PayPal, you can have a cash gift of one dollar!

(Sorry for the lame prizes. I'm broke and I don't plan ahead!)

Just Run Next Time

I really hate when I run into somebody that I don't know very well. You know who I'm talking about. They're the "I-think-I-know-you're-name-but-I'm-only-98-percent-sure-so-I'm-gonna-just-call-you-buddy" acquaintances that you aren't really friends with. It's the people you work with or you've seen at the gym or waved to in the neighborhood. If you see them in the right setting, it's fine. Passing in the hall at the office? Nod and smile. Leaving the gym at the same time? Throw out a little "seeya next time" and get in your car. Driving past as they check their mail? Wave and nod. But when you find yourself waiting in line at the post office and they're directly in front of you? That's where it gets tricky. If you avoid talking to them, then you’re weird or rude for not wanting to. But if you tap them on the shoulder and say, "Hey fancy seein' you here!" then you're just a creepy weirdo. If I have the option, I usually just run out as quick as possible. Awkward silence and flimsy small-talk make me light-headed. If I don't leave I start talking really high-pitched and try too hard to act casual. Plus, I tend to say stuff without thinking.

-"Hey, fancy seein' you here!" Man, why did you say that? He didn't even see you!
-"Oh hey Taylor."
-"Hey... uh... buddy. Whatcha got goin' on today?" Oh no! What's his name?!
-"Well, I gotta mail this package to my sister in Omaha."
-"Gotcha. Yeah, I'm mailin' a package too. Sendin' my mom some stuff." Why am I not pronouncing the g's?! I sound like an idiot!
-"Cool. Nothing like the post office on a Friday afternoon."
-"Yeah." Okay, leave it at that. Don't say anything else, and you can just deal with the awkward silence. Just last a few more seconds and you're free to... "So you got any plans this weekend, buddy?" What am I doing? I didn't mean to say that!
-"Uh, no. We're just gonna stay home and relax. What about you guys?"
-"Oh nothin'." Seriously! Where are my g's?! "I got a new grill. So we'll probably grill some burgers and stuff."
-"Oh, that's cool. Hope you guys have fun."
-"Yeah, it'll be good. Hey..." No, don't do it! You're almost clear! "Why don't you guys join us?" You idiot!

And that's how acquaintances become your fake friends. So like I said, I usually just run out as quickly as possible and hide in the backseat of my car (where the windows are nicely tinted) until they leave. Or I find the closest piece of paper I can that has writing on it and study it without raising my head until I know he's gone.

Okay, I gotta go. What's-his-name and his family are coming over for a barbeque. I have to go buy a new grill.

"I Will Never Love Again"

So my older brother finally got a job. It only took six months, the threat of eviction, and the possible repossession of his truck. But he finally got hired on somewhere. But what I don't understand is that they hired him and gave him a start date for three weeks later. And it's not like a teaching job or something like that where you have to wait until school starts. It's just a regular job without any weird time constraints. It seems odd that they would make him wait when they know he's hurting for employment. Why make someone sweat it out like that if you're already giving them the job?

I actually got to thinking about why a company would hire someone like that and then wait almost a month to let them start. And I think it must be kind of like a new relationship. They probably really liked the last guy in the position and thought he'd stay forever. And they had this great working relationship that both sides agreed was the perfect match. Then one day, they found out he was working another job on the side and wasn't as happy with the company. The spark had gone out. I'm sure they got resentful and wanted some reassurance that he wasn't going to leave them. Then he couldn't look them in the eye anymore and he stopped saying he loved his job. So they probably worked with a strained relationship until finally he just walked out.

I imagine that would make it hard to replace him. Maybe they want to give it some time before getting back out there. Or maybe they want to make sure that hiring my brother is not just a rebound from the last guy. My brother will probably never live up to their inflated expectations. And they’ll always compare him to the one they let slip away. I'm sure they blame themselves. I mean, who wouldn't? But it's just going to sow discord among the other workers and bitterness will surely follow. How terrible to lose so much and never be able to get over it. No closure, no peace. My brother is doomed to failure because the company will never be able to move on from their ideal employee.

Or maybe the person who does the training is on vacation this month.

Past, Presents, Future

One of my older brothers does some pretty odd stuff sometimes. He always has what he thinks is a good idea, but it just comes off as strange. One time I caught him putting a 20 dollar bill in his jacket pocket as he was hanging it in his hall closet. I asked him why he was doing that, and he said, "Oh, that's just a gift to future Me." He figured that if he put the money in his jacket and stored it away until next winter, he'd have forgotten about it and be pleasantly surprised when the next cold front blew in. So my older brother likes to leave presents for his future self. And you may think that's really weird, but let me assure you... it is really weird.

I mean, I understand the concept. I love finding money I didn't know about. It's like a miniature Christmas gift. ("Hey, what's that in my back pocket? Five bucks? Sweet! Taco Bell, here I come!") Just last month my wife found a Target giftcard in a baby bag from when our son was born three years ago. We felt like middle-class millionaires, buying whatever we wanted without a second thought. So I know how cool it is to find something like that. But to leave it for yourself on purpose? That's weird. I guess it's the same concept as a savings bond, but you don't hide savings bonds in your jackets. But if you're gonna do it with money, why stop there? Why not have a coworker hide a candy bar in your desk after you leave one day? Or put some potatoes in the oven at 3:00 in the afternoon, just in case you have a craving for baked potatoes in a few hours. So, I guess I've convinced myself that it's a good idea, now. I'm gonna hide a bunch of stuff in random places, so I can find it later and be pleasantly surprised.

I guess the only real problem with that is if you're too forgetful. I know that my brother is really forgetful, so I just went through his hall closet the next time I was at his house and cleaned him out. I found 120 dollars and an almost expired Butterfinger. And he never found out. It was like robbing an amnesia victim. He did once ask how I paid for my new shoes, but I just told him it was a gift from past Taylor.