Nodding My Head Like Yeah

Everyday, I walk past the security guard on the way into my building. And in my last building, he sat behind a desk that was only in view when you walked through the door. But the guard at my new building stands in the middle of the foyer, so you see him while you walk from the garage to the doors. So I have to avoid eye contact until just the right moment, so I don't have to nod at him twice. And I keep screwing it up because I forget every morning.

So this morning, I looked up when I came around the corner and he was looking out towards me. So I gave him the customary nod and then lowered my head so I wouldn't have to look at him again. Then I forgot after about 10 steps and looked up again. And I made eye contact by mistake again so I gave him a second nod out of habit. So I dropped my gaze again and walked through the door. Then I had to give him my normal verbal greeting ("Whaaaaassssssuuuuuuuuup?!?!") and I accidentally nodded again! He probably thought I had some kind of nervous tic.

If I could pull off wearing sunglasses, I'd do that. That way he'd never know if I was looking at him. Unfortunately, I have tiny little eyes. So when I wear sunglasses, I look like a nervous tick (Get it? Look at the picture!).

Tic Tac?

I got my haircut again recently. I was told that getting it cut more would keep me from losing so much of it (which I'm now convinced was just a marketing ploy). And I had a different lady cutting my hair this time. I told her what I wanted (pink mohawk, star-shaped sideburns) and she ignored me completely. She cut it the way she thought I should have it. Then she styled it with gel and basically just swirled my hair around my head. It looked like I'd been given a very intense swirlie. And it was during my lunch break, so I had to wet my hair in the car with a bottle of water and try to fix it.

But the worst part was when she washed my hair out. If it's free, I always ask for them to wash my hair because otherwise I get those little prickly, stabby hairs that stick to my neck and scalp. Well, I never know if I should open my eyes or close my eyes when the lady washes my hair. Because if I close them, it looks like I'm trying to pretend I'm falling asleep while someone messes with my head. And that's awkward. But if I open my eyes, it's creepy because I stare at the ceiling until her face pops up in front of mine. Then it's like a 2-second staring contest that she wins. And that's super awkward. So I usually split the difference and just close my eyes when they get in my face. But this lady was really short and had to lean over my face a lot, so I chose the perma-shut approach. And her breath was the worst-smelling breath I have ever smelled. Ever.

I don't know if she ate something that had expired in the 80s or if her tongue was decomposing in her mouth, but it smelled like hot garbage. And I had to pretend not to notice. So since I couldn't see when she was coming, I had no notice for when she would breathe on my face. It was horrible. And I couldn't hold my breath because she'd notice when I let it out. And I wasn't gonna be a mouth-breather. That's gross. So I sat there and endured the longest 5-minute hairwash I've ever had.

P.S. - I really wanted to use the phrase "weapon's grade halitosis" but I couldn't make it work. So I figured I'd just mention that.

Top Ten Things That Are Cute For My Son, But Creepy For Me

10. Plumber's crack.

9. "I want a new baby brother for Christmas."

8. Asking for chocolate milk with a hamburger.

7. "Can I take a bath with you?"

6. Stomping on a puddle.

5. "You wanna dance with me, Daddy?"

4. Smiling at strangers.

3. "I wanna wear girl pants, too!"

2. Singing Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift songs.

1. "I gotta go poo-poo!" while running past without pants on.

It's Back... Again!

I started my diet yesterday. I figure at the ripe old age of twenty-number, it's finally time to get in shape. And two things made me realize it was time. First, I was raising my hand during a question and answer session at a recent meeting, and I decided to give up on my question because I was too out of breath from holding up my hand. It was too much physical activity for me to put one hand above my head. And that's ridiculous. I should never be so out of shape that I can't put my arm up for 38 seconds. And the second recent event that motivated me was the guy in front of me at McDonald's last week. I was there to order my usual meal (number 3, ketchup only, Diet Coke - light ice), and the McDonald's employee left the previous order up on the fancy computer display. And it read as follows:

5 McRib sandwiches.................................................$12.45
Chocolate Sundae.....................................................$1.00
Tax......................................................................$1.11
Total...................................................................$14.56

So naturally I looked at the occupants of the car in front of me... only to find that there were not occupants, but rather an occupant. The guy ordered 5 McRibs and a chocolate sundae... for himself! Either he's just a fatty or he's the only guy on the planet who thinks that this McRib Farewell Tour (number 5 by my count) is actually the last one.

So why is this the reason I'm motivated to lose weight? I wasn't really all that dismayed by the fact that he was ordering for one. In fact, the only thing I could think was how jealous I was of that order. I actually hesitated before I ordered and contemplated ordering the exact same thing (plus a Diet Coke - light ice).

So I started my diet yesterday. I will purposely be missing the McRib Farewell Tour. And all subsequent McRib Farewell Tours.

Why Cute Babies Aren't Allowed To Drive

So I vowed a long time ago not to be the one to drive before or after a holiday weekend. Of my 11 speeding tickets, 4 of them came on the way home from or on the way to a holiday weekend. But I forgot my rule this weekend. It's been two years since my last ticket and I've been careful about my speed. But the "Construction Zone" didn't even have traffic cones in it. And everyone else was speeding. So it shouldn't have been a big deal to the cop that I was going 75 in a 55. But he thought it was a big deal.

So I came over the hill, saw him, saw my speed, and turned on my blinker for the inevitable pulling over I was about to get. And sure enough, he turned on his lights immediately and pulled me over. And 20-over is not something you charm your way out of. So he told me my speed and asked if there was an emergency. I fought off the urge to say something smart-alec, like "Yes, there's a sale at the Gap!" and just shook my head.

Then he asked, "Is that your beautiful baby girl back there?" And expecting some kind of lecture on protecting my family, I said yes. But he kept staring at her. It was then that I realized she'd woken up right as I pulled over. Then he asked her"Did you just wink at me?" Then he handed me my license and said, "She just saved you a ticket. Keep your speed down. Have a nice day." So we pulled away and got back on the road again. And she went right back to sleep. It was like she woke up specifically to save the day and then continued her nap.

So now I can add another thing to the list of unforeseen perks of being a parent. It's number 2 right after the tax write-off.

And be honest... could you write a ticket for someone when this face is winking at you from the backseat?