Bad With Faces... And Names

My wife's hometown is about 3 hours away from us. And we've visited there enough times for me to have met some of her old friends and some of her mom's acquaintances. But I don't usually run into anyone I know when we go there. So I turn off my "do-I-know-that-person?" radar when I go out in public while we're there.

As is my custom on these visits, I usually go to Best Buy to kill some time while my wife goes shopping with her family. And a few months ago, I was doing just that. I took my son into Best Buy and we just wandered around. And as we passed the laptop section, I glanced over and saw another customer staring at me. And I was about to look away when he said, "Hey!" and pointed at me. I turned around to make sure he was actually pointing at me and then returned a confused "Hey" right back to him.

And he said, "Don't I know you?" But I could honestly say I'd never seen this man before in my life. But before I answered I ran through the very short list of people I knew from that city. And when his face didn't match any of the faces I knew, I told him that I didn't think so. But he wouldn't let it go. He said, "Are you sure? I know I've seen you before. What's your name?" So I told him my name was Taylor and explained that he must be mistaken because "I don't know you and I'm not from here." I explained further that I was just visiting my in-laws and I needed to be on my way. So we cut our Best Buy time short to escape the crazy guy who thought he knew me.

Then the next morning, I saw the same guy! And I would have thought it was a weird coincidence if it hadn't been while we were walking into church together. And that's when I recognized him (because people look different in dress clothes). So I embarrassedly shook my head and tried to avoid eye contact. But he held the door for me and mumbled as I passed, "I told you I knew you."

So now, every time we visit, I have to make a point to say hi to him as we walk into church or as I pass his seat. But for the life of me, I can never remember his name! So I just say generic stuff like, "How ya doin', man?" or "Hey! Good to see ya!" Apparently I can only remember a face and a name if people never change clothes and always wear name tags. What is wrong with me?

Add It To The List

People always assume that if you're getting an English degree, you want to be a teacher. And that was not the case with me. I have trouble handling misbehaving children (when I'm not allowed to strike them). And I have a crippling fear of public speaking. So if I became a teacher, someone would end up crying in the corner by the end of the first hour (most likely me). But people always asked me in college, "Are you gonna teach?" And my response was always a very emphatic "NO." And the apparently obvious follow-up question to any non-teaching English major is, "So what do you want to do when you're done with college?" Most of the time I would just say, "Graduate," and they'd laugh and we've move off the topic. But some people wouldn't let it go. So I had to basically tell them that I wanted to get my degree and then just get an office job and see what comes of that. And that's not exactly the answer they're looking for when they're asking a member of the next generation about their life plan.

So my point is that I still don't have a noun answer when people ask what I want to be. All the things I want to be are adjectives. Things like "successful" and "healthy" and "immortal." But I've never had a profession to point to as my goal.

But I have started a list of things I definitely don't want to be. It's basically a list of people I've seen that do a job that I could never do successfully. And that list includes (besides the obvious one - teacher) things like "Retail Manager" and "Toll Booth Guy" and "Mall Santa." But it's nothing against those people personally. If anything, I'm complimenting them. Because they have the courage and strength to put up with more than I can handle. It's just that I've seen their jobs and what people like me put them through. So I'd like to avoid those professions.

And after my lunch break excursion today, I added another very specific job to my list: "Guy Who Cleans Out the Vacuum Hoses at the Carwash." His job is essentially to clean out the evidence of my poor judgment. I spent 20 minutes experimenting, testing, and goofing around with that vacuum hose, and it's gonna make him hate his job. I'm sure he'll have a very different reaction than I did to the things that were discovered today. Where I was surprised that the hose could handle half of a month-old ham sandwich, he'll be disgusted. And where I was impressed that an array of dirty Kleenexes could glide effortlessly into the hose, he'll be repulsed by the clog he has to remove. And most importantly, when I quickly closed my doors and sped off from the ominous rattling noise I'd initiated, he'll be furious that his entire system shut down because of one very stubborn pair of sweaty tube socks.

If Superman Can Have Them, So Can I

I have this problem where there are really dark, puffy circles under my eyes. I can't remember a time when I didn't have them. And I didn't mind them so much because I saw Superman with them in one of his comic books as a kid (see here). But people can't seem to get over them. I was asked constantly at my first real job if I'd gotten into a fight the day before. And I had to reassure my coworkers that my eyes just turned blue and puffy if I got up too early.

And I can usually trace the dark circles down to a couple of factors. Number one is lack of sleep. But since November of 2006 (the birth of our oldest child), I've given up on getting enough rest. If I can function, I'm good. And my diet seems to play a part in the color saturation and puffiness. But I don't see myself changing my eating habits any time soon. So I think I can deal with the eye bags.

But it seems that recently, they've started getting worse again. I'm not so vain that I've noticed it. But people keep asking me if I'm alright when they see me before 10am. And just last week, I had a friend come up to me at church on Sunday morning and ask how I was doing. I replied with my usual, "I'm doing fine. A little tired, but I feel good." And his response was not "that's nice" or "glad to hear it." He went with, "You LOOK tired. Did you sleep last night? Are you alright?" So I had to go to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have a busted blood vessel in my eye or something. And sure, I looked like I had two black eyes, but anyone who's seen me more than once in their life knows that's just how I look. So I figured he can get over it.

The Once And Future Employee

You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a week. Or maybe you didn't notice, but I just alerted you. Or maybe you don't really care, in which case I wonder why you're even here.

Anyway, here's my excuse reason.  I quit my job last week.  It seemed that there was some shady stuff going on and I was forced to make a tough decision for my family.  With the stress of having to break that news to my very shocked employer and then having to organize all my work for the remaining people, I didn't have the time or positive attitude to blog.

So with the new job (which is actually going back to a former job), I should have more time and positive attitudes to think of funny stories.  Blogging for realsies should commence shortly.

What If I Skip The Setup For Today's Story?

My older brother was standing in the kitchen at his job the other day (not the same brother who works with me). And he thought he was alone, so he relieved himself of some pesky methane. Or as my little cousin used to call it, he "bubbled." And not two seconds after he "bubbled," a coworker walked into the kitchen. The coworker obviously smelled the newly released methane emissions because he wrinkled his nose and frowned.

My brother was gonna try to play it cool because he'd seen this guy before in meetings for his department. So it wasn't a complete stranger. So he just continued washing his coffee mug, and turned to leave when he was done.

The funny part was what the coworker guy asked him. He didn't say, "What's that smell?" or "Did you do that?" or any other embarrassing attention-drawng question.  He asked, "So are you new here?"

And the reason that's so funny to me is that my brother knows for a fact that he's met this guy on several occasions. And they've worked together for about three years. So the coworker was really saying one of these two things:

1. "So are you new here and you don't know that our company considers it rude to pass gas in a common area?"

-or-

2. "I know you're not new here. We've met on occasion. But I want you to know that I am now disavowing any perceived or actual acquaintanceship with you. I hereby and forthwith deny any knowledge of your existence as a fellow human being in my department. Good day sir!"

It had to be the second one, right?