Flawless

If I had to pick the one flaw I think exists in my blog, it would be my utter laziness. But it would be too much work to delve into that.  So if I had to pick a second flaw, I'd say it would be the lack of visual stimulation. It's a text-heavy blog, and I'm well aware of this. So in the interest of visual stimulation, I've included three pictures in this post.

Picture 1 - How I Wrap Christmas Presents
I won't pretend this was some earth-friendly idea. I just thought it would be funny. It consists of the scraps of six different types of wrapping paper, a random envelope, some cardboard, and a Toy Story gift bag that I tore up and attached. It takes twice as long, but I think it's worth it.

Picture 2 - Proof That I'm "Hip"
(Yes, I'm aware that usage of the word "hip" automatically negates its application.)
When "planking" became popular, I had my son plank in our kitchen. He's quite the talent.

Picture 3 - Further Proof That I'm "Hip"
Not to be outdone, my daughter got in on the action.

I'm aware that planking has now become passé, but I don't really care. This is still really funny to me. And I assume you agree, since you're reading my blog. I hope you enjoyed my attempt at visual humor today!

What A Gas!

I'm posting this on my iPhone with the Blogger app I just discovered. And I'm posting it while holding my new baby girl, who is one month old today. Oh yeah, and she smiled at me yesterday.

I'd like to think that it's because she appreciates my sense of humor. Or maybe she's already figured out that my hairline is humorous. Or maybe I have food in my teeth. But more likely it's because she passed gas... which she does pretty much all the time.

Okay, now my thumb hurts from typing this. I probably won't post from my phone again until I upgrade to Siri and she can do it for me.

Late Night Fame

Did I forget to mention that Jimmy Fallon read my tweet on his show a few months ago? I did? Well let me tell you all about it!

In case you don't know how Twitter works, here's a quick explanation. It's just like Facebook status updates, except you can tag certain topics by adding a "hashtag" (which is just the number sign - #).  So if you want to tag something as awesome, you would include #awesome in the tweet. Got it? Good.

Jimmy Fallon starts topics via hashtag and asks people to participate by including his topic in their tweet. And he reads the funniest ones on his show the next day. He calls it the hashtag game, and it's pretty popular on Twitter.

So a few months ago, he started one called "#gamedaysuperstition." And he wanted everyone to include the funniest superstitions that they'd seen. And since I don't know any good ones, I made this one up:

"If we record the game, my brother pauses the DVR before every pass and whispers, "This is it." #gamedaysuperstition"

I thought that was pretty clever. And since you know how I started this post, you know that Jimmy Fallon agreed. Because he read my tweet on the show the next night! I can't explain how excited I was. Out of the thousands of tweets, my made-up anecdote was picked for the show. And since you probably know me from reading this blog, you know that's not the end of the story. Because that's all that Jimmy Fallon knew about me and my Twitter picture is my son, Jimmy guessed that I was a girl. So he said, "This next one is from thats_so_taylor. She says...." And then he read my tweet. So I was a) super excited that he picked my tweet and b) super upset that he thought I was a girl. Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

Anyway, if you want to watch it, click HERE and look for me at the 1:37 mark on the video.

Unavoidable Idiocy

If my life had a theme, it would be "Try not to look stupid." And I think it's an admirable goal. But for me, it's unattainable. I overthink every social situation that comes up in my life. Inevitably, I'll do something more stupid when I try not to look stupid. Oh, you'd like examples? Certainly!

Example 1 - I assume you're familiar with the way people greet each other. They tend to ask, "How are you?" or "How's it going?" So my preferred response to that is "Good." And it's almost automatic now because I don't want to wait too long to respond. It's really awkward when I struggle to think of a response to "How are you?" But the problem is that I sometimes respond before my mind has really comprehended what they've said.  So often times, they'll say "What's up?"  And because I hate responding too slowly, I immediately say, "Good! How are you?!" So I sound like an idiot.

Them: "What's up, man?"
Me: "Good! You? DERP!!!"

Example 2 - If I correct someone's grammar on Facebook, without fail I will have made a grammar or spelling mistake in my comment. So my comment says, "You meant your, not you're. Their not actually interchangeable." And then I get reamed for my their/they're confusion, and I look like an idiot again.

Example 3 - I'm forever terrified that I have food in my teeth. If I even think for a second that I have something stuck in my teeth, I'll find the closest reflective surface and check (I checked just now just to be sure). One day, a coworker called right after lunch and asked if he could drop by my office to discuss something. I said yes and immediately started checking my teeth for broccoli shards. And no sooner had I opened my mouth incredibly wide and tried to use my phone's screen as a mirror that the guy walked in to talk to me. So I looked like I was taking a cell phone picture of my tonsils. Again, I looked like a complete idiot.

Example 4 (last example) - I was out of town one weekend and a guy I didn't recognize came up to me and said, "Hey, where do I know you from?" So to help him avoid an awkward conversation and to save me the embarrassment of trying to place someone I knew I didn't know, I told him we didn't know each other. I explained that I was only in town visiting my older brother, and he must be mistaking me for someone else. And since I definitely didn't recognize him, I just knew I was right. So I thought maybe I'd kept from looking stupid. Then I got to my brother's house and realized it was his neighbor, who I'd only ever seen in the driveway (every time I'd visited). So it was awkward when we both got out of our cars at the same time and I looked like an idiot again.

It's like Master Oogway said in Kung Fu Panda, "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." That was one smart tortoise.

Great Way To Start The Day

Yesterday morning, I was preparing to get into the shower (stripping) when a five-year old boy ran into the bathroom, crying. (It's a good thing I have a five-year old son, or else that would be a weird start to a story.) I thought maybe he was having one of those "waking nightmares" where you're sleep-walking and having a bad dream at the same time. He had those a couple times in the past (solution: put him outside), so that's what I thought it was.

And when he came in, he kept looking down and saying, "Look!" So I kept looking down and couldn't see what he was looking at. And the more I looked down with him, the more frustrated he got. "No! Look!" I even grabbed his foot to see if he had some kind of bruise or cut or bite on it. But there was nothing. This concerned me more than finding a wound, because I assumed it meant he had a dream about a foot injury and couldn't shake the realism of it. But then I saw his head.

The reason he was looking down was not to show me something below him. It was to show me the giant mass on the top of his head. And for one wild moment I thought an overnight tumor had grown out of his skull. But upon closer inspection I realized that it was actually a large blob of Silly Putty (skin-colored) that was lodged in his hair.

Apparently, my daughter thought it would be cool to sleep with Silly Putty in her hand. And my kids frequently fall asleep in the same bed. So given my son's tendency to move around in his sleep and my daughter letting go of the Silly Putty when she dozed off, it got deposited right into his hair.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I totally missed the chance to get a hilarious picture of him. Instead, I just slowly pulled it all out of his hair and sent him back to bed. Why do I always miss opportunities like that?! Can you imagine how many Facebook comments* I'd get?!

*FYI - I equate Facebook comments with feeling loved.