Identity Thief

You have to work with what you have. That's the best advice I can give to a single person. If you're funny, be funny. If you can play an instrument, play it (except drums... nobody thinks drummers are cool.) If you're attractive... I don't know, look at people I guess. And if you're boring, tough luck. But use the things you have. For example, I was never gonna get a date based solely on my looks. As a single man, I was overweight and similar-looking to a younger Dan Aykroyd. So I couldn't rely on that. The only way I was able to woo my wife was through humor and exceptional listening skills.

But the real advice behind that advice is this; don't try to be someone you're not. Don't pretend to like things you don't like. Don't fake common interests. (Also, don't practice identity theft. It's wrong.) It will eventually come back to bite you (when you've taken up crocheting and bird-watching). And I think that's pretty sound advice. It's advice I wish someone had given my older brother when he was in college.

He went to a party with a friend and didn't know very many people there. So he decided to use his anonymity to his advantage. He thought, "I can be whoever or whatever I want to be!" And being the large person that he is (not fat, just very tall with broad shoulders), he decided that the person he wanted to be was a college football player. He figured that it was something that was cool enough to impress the ladies, but obscure enough that there wouldn't be a lot of follow-up questions. So he found a girl he thought was cute and introduced himself. And after a few minutes, she said, "So are you a student here?" And he recited the line he'd been practicing to himself all night. "Yeah, actually I play offensive line on the football team. I'm second string, so I don't play much. But I'm working my way in." And then he waited for the girl to swoon over the athlete she'd just met. But as you can imagine, it didn't go as well as he planned.

By a stroke of horrible (and hilarious) bad luck, the girl had a boyfriend. And her boyfriend just happened to be an offensive lineman on the football team. So her response was, "Oh, then you must know my boyfriend, Zach! He plays left tackle!" And my brother, the brave, confident fake football player, wilted. She continued, "Let me go get him so you have someone you know to talk to." So he panicked and backpedaled really quickly. (He fought off the urge to literally backpedal.) He recanted his story as quick as he could. He explained that he didn't play for the football team and that he just wanted to impress her. She frowned and walked away in disgust.

In his defense, at least he picked the right fake personality to impress that particular girl. She obviously liked tall offensive lineman.  So let this be a lesson to you. Pretending to be someone you're not just doesn't work out. But at least my brother got to meet a real college football player that day!