Sorry

I'd like to apologize to my four loyal blog followers (Mom, Landry, Jill, and my cyberstalker).  I haven't been diligent in my blogging duties recently.  And very few of my posts have had any reference to my "older brothers," which was the sole purpose in starting this blog (besides shameless self-promotion and thinly-veiled narcissism).

So I'd like to express my deepest apologies to the four of you... I'm sorry, what was that?  You say my mom only reads occasionally?  And she only reads my blog when she knows she's gonna see me soon and she needs to find something to talk about with me?  Fair enough.  Then I'd like to express my deepest apologies to the three of you.

I don't have any good excuses.  And frankly, I don't owe you an explanation!  But I've been spending my lunch breaks watching installments of movies I've missed in the past 6 years (Cloverfield, Van Helsing, etc.).  So I haven't saved time to write a blog post.  And I know I'm not gonna blog when I get home unless I'm super-bored with TV programming and internet surfing.

So to my two remaining loyal followers (I realize that by admitting I watched Van Helsing, I've probably lost Jill), I pledge better stories and more consistent posting.  I'll shoot for a post every weekday afternoon now.  But also know that if I can't think of anything funny, it's better that I don't post.  Nobody likes a poorly-written, hastily-finished, obligatory blog post.  It's like mandatory community service.  If you don't mean it, it doesn't mean anything.

Maybe Someday

I've got an idea for a new TV show.  We can call it "Dancing Without the Stars" and you can call it awesome.  The thing that would make it awesome would be that the weight limit for the contestants would be 250 pounds.  And I mean a minimum of 250 pounds.

Okay, I was just informed while I was writing this that this show already exists and it's called "Dance Your Tushy Off" (I edited that - this is a family-friendly blog).  Apparently it was a flop (pun intended).  So never mind on my great idea.

But my older brother would be perfect for that type of show.  He's an amazing dancer, even though he weighs about 270 pounds.  He can do the worm, the robot, and anything else you throw at him.  It's actually quite astounding.  You wouldn't believe it unless you saw it.  But you'd never see it because he's only danced in front of people 3 times in his life.  So I don't know if he was born with dancing talent (weird) or if he practices for hours at a time in his room (more weird, but also more likely).

I'm gonna have to work on getting him on tape so I can post it on here.  Because I shouldn't be the only one who knows how good he is.  Anyway, he would totally win that show (just like I would win Wheel of Fortune).

Lazy Fridays

I really hate going two weekdays in a row without blogging.  So does this count?

If Real Life Was Like Facebook...

... my wife would be able prove that she has more friends than me.

... people from high school could hide their shock at my 75-pound weight gain since graduation.

... most of my friends would only talk to me on my birthday.

... I could conveniently sort my friends into groups and categorically ignore the annoying ones.

... the awkwardness of ending a friendship would be gone.

... I could control what I look like or avoid being seen altogether.

... my stalker would never have been caught and imprisoned.

... I could be part of a group without attending a meeting, paying dues, or caring the least bit about their "cause".

... I would know instantly when one of my friends made a new friend.

... I could say, "I like this," and leave it at that. No questions asked.

One Man's Trash... Another Person's Problem

The office I work in is diligent about recycling paper, plastic, and aluminum cans. And because I'm susceptible to peer pressure (even the good kind), I now recycle too. It's really mostly because I don't want to be labeled as some kind of heartless punk.  And they all think it's so important to recycle.  So I don't want to rock the boat (and I mean figuratively rock the boat... we work in an office building, not a boat).

So now I don't throw many things away. I don't have water bottles or soda cans to trash anymore. And most everything else is paper. The problem with that is that 90% of my trash is now Kleenex and candy wrappers. And my trash can is difficult to hide due to a lack of space under my desk. So anyone walking past will think I have a ridiculously runny nose and a chocolate addiction. I've tried to remedy that by finding other things to throw away, but there's not much garbage around here.

So what I started doing yesterday was throwing my wrappers away at the new intern's desk. And she wears headphones most of the day, so she doesn't know I'm doing it. So now people think she's the chocolate addict, and I can avoid suspicion completely. It's perfect.  The only problem will be explaining this if she ever catches me tip-toeing to her trash can.  But it's worth the risk.  I can tip-toe very quietly.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I must go eat sixteen 3 Musketeers Minis and sneak them into my unsuspecting neighbor's trash can.