Classic Post: You ARE The Brut Squad

My older brother uses too much cologne. I think that over the years he's built up an immunity to it (like the Dread Pirate Roberts did with iocane powder). The problem is that no one else has grown as accustomed to it as he has. It’s enough to make your head swim. If you're stuck in a poorly ventilated room with him for more than a few minutes, you start to forget your own name. And a hug from him is like a chloroform-soaked cloth over your mouth.

I'm not sure if he simply enjoys smelling like a JC Penney men's counter or if it's something more sinister. Maybe he's just morbidly afraid of being stinky. Or perhaps he emits a natural scent that attracts man-eating cougars. Either way, it's almost unbearable to be around him. It's a visible mist around his shoulders and torso. You know when you pour gasoline and you can "see" the vapors right above the nozzle? Or when you look right over the top of a car's roof on a particularly hot day? I wouldn't be surprised if you could see the same distortion when you look past his drenched neck. It's a palpable aura of Old Spice aftershave and Brut cologne. It's like Pigpen from the Charlie Brown comics, only with a dizzying mixture of creepiness and overconfidence instead of suspended dirt. I'm always tempted to check his bathroom cabinet when I go to his house to see if he's stockpiled his source. He has to go through at least three bottles a week at the rate he's going. He probably has to buy it in bulk on the internet.

And you better hope you're never stuck in a car with him if you don't have access to a working window. You'd have to try to hold your breath the whole trip or find another way out. Maybe I imagined it, but the last time I was in his sedan, I could have sworn I saw claw marks on the door handle. It looked like someone in a crazed fit of panic tried to escape at any cost. Come to think of it, there was a date my brother came home early from a few years ago that he wouldn't tell anyone about. I bet she bailed while he was still driving.

Now my sister thinks he does it just to cover a standard B.O. problem. But I'm still convinced he's protecting us from being overrun by vicious cougars. One day he'll abandon the smokescreen of musky scent, and we'll finally find out who is right (... and who is dead).

The Floor Exercise

We're working on getting my son not to be such a sissy. And it's a pretty frustrating process. Because while he is totally unafraid of jumping off of a 7-foot rock, he apparently can't deal with being in a room by himself. So we're working on him sleeping in his own room for the entire night.

The problem is that he used to do this, but over time he wore down our defenses and has claimed himself a semi-permanent spot in our bed. So I decided enough was enough. I asked him why he won't go to his own bed. And as it turns out, he's a huge wuss (and a rotten liar). He's always saying he's scared of something, but he's not good at picking legitimately scary things. So he tells me that he's afraid of his windows, or afraid of the dogs outside (even though there aren't dogs outside), or afraid of his door, or afraid of his pillow, or afraid of his shoes. It's pretty much whatever pops into his head when I ask him why he's scared. So my plan was to put him in his bed and promise to lay down on his floor long enough for him to fall asleep. This works like a charm until he wakes up at 4:00 and sees that I'm gone. But it's a start. And it's much better than an entire night sharing a bed with a cold-footed, kicking three year-old.

The problem now is that I'm turning into my grandmother. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat. So I can't even wait him out anymore. I almost always fall asleep before him. At first, he would just sneak past me, run to my room, and lay down on my side of the bed. And that wasn't too bad because my wife would politely tell me what happened ("Hey Stupid! He snuck past you again!"). But more recently, he stays in his bed and falls asleep. Which is good... in theory. It just doesn't turn out too well for me. Because I fall asleep too. And I don't wake up until I'm too uncomfortable to breathe. So for the past week (or three weeks), I've awakened on the floor, freezing cold, with my entire arm asleep. Then I hobble to bed, realize I have to get to work in an hour, and cry. But not because I'm a sissy. I'm just crying because my back hurts from sleeping on the floor for 7 hours.

Top Ten Things That Scare Me

10. My three-year old son is almost faster than me already.

9. At some point in the future, I will not understand a fancy new technology.

8. If I'm not even 30 and my hair is coming out this fast, what will my head look like when I'm 40?

7. Having to buy sunscreen for my head.

6. Someone will eventually attempt to date my daughter. And I won't be allowed to kill him on the spot.

5. Big, giant spiders with poisoned fangs, lurking just out of sight. Waiting for me to walk past. (I hate spiders!)

4. Tiny, little harmless spiders. Waiting to crawl out of something and land on my hand. (Man, I hate spiders!)

3. Carnies. (Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage, small hands.)

2. The fact that my fingers are too big to press individual buttons on my cell phone.

1. Accidentally saying something innocent that could be construed as racist while in the presence of people who beat up racists.

Skill Against Skill Alone

If there's one thing I wish I could communicate on this blog, it's the absolute awesomeness of my Andre the Giant impression. I really can't explain in words how incredible it is. And knowing every line from The Princess Bride means I can quote Fezzik any time I need to. Maybe one day I'll record my impression and post it on here or something. You'll be amazed.

The problem is that most of my impressions are only appropriate at certain times. So I don't get to use it all that much. Here are the five most common ways I get to impersonate Fezzik using lines from the movie. And this only works if you imagine them in the Andre the Giant voice.

1. When someone says, "Fine, we'll do it your way!"...

"My way's not very sportsmanlike."

2. When someone calls me fat...

"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest.

I don't even exercise."

3. If someone says, "I mean it!" to their kids...

"Anybody want a peanut?!"

4. When someone asks if I want to go swimming...

"I only dog paddle."

5. When I see an extremely ugly person...

"Were you burned by acid or something like that?"

The main problem is that a lot of people don't get these references, including some of my close friends. So I'll use one, they'll look confused, and I'll have to dejectedly say, "Nevermind" (and then stop being friends with them since they don't know the movie). I also do a pretty mean Gollum impression ("Stupid, fat hobbittses!"). And I can say "YES!" and sound exactly like Marv Albert. That one only really impresses like three people, though. Man, I really wish I could put all this on my resume.

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!

I used to get all these quizzes from people a few years ago called, "How well do you know me?" And I always hated getting those because I suck at remembering stuff. And they never picked stuff I would know, like "Name five movies that Sandra Bullock has been in that have a number in the title." Because apparently knowing movie trivia doesn't equate to knowing your friends. (And for the record: Love Potion Number 9, 28 Days, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Two If By Sea, Two Weeks Notice.)

My friends would always ask ridiculously difficult questions like "How many countries have I visited outside the U.S.?" or "What's my middle name?" And those aren't really fair. I don't need to know your middle name (Mom). And the traveling question is just a lead-in for people to brag. Plus, I have a really bad memory for that kind of stuff. I can't even remember my own trivia. Do you have any idea how many times I've had to reset online accounts because I forgot my password and didn't know my own verification questions? It's at least once a week. I don't know my favorite teacher or my favorite author's last name. I didn't even know I'd ever picked a favorite.

Also, I think I put on too much deodorant this morning and it seems to be getting me high. I feel all loopy and light-headed. I hope that helps explain the post today. Thanks, Right Guard!