Keep It Clean

One of my older brothers is a KISS fanatic. Not the kind that paints his face and wears 10-inch platform chrome boots, but close. In fact, I think his KISS budget is the only thing holding him back from that level of commitment. And today he asked a few of his friends, including me, to help him win tickets from a radio station to an upcoming KISS show. And he actually won them! It was pretty crazy because I didn't think it was possible. But he was the seventh caller and he gets to pick up the tickets next week.

But the real story here is what happened when the radio lady picked up the line. Because the first thing she said was, "Are you sexy? Because only sexy people can win these tickets." Dumbstruck by the possibility of winning tickets and probably a little confused by that extremely weird question, he said, "Uh, yeah. I'm sexy." To which she replied, "Prove it."

And I'm not sure what I would say in that situation. Probably something safe, like, "I'm a KISS fan. And we're all sexy." That would make it a little less awkward and we could move on to the ticket winning. But my older brother didn't go that route. He immediately said, "Well, I'm wearing a raccoon skin thong right now. That's pretty sexy. So what are you wearing?" And he delivered that response with such a creepy tone that I forgot what we were doing. And the radio lady didn't even laugh. She just asked for his information and got off the phone.

And what concerns me most is not the simple fact that he responded that way. People say weird stuff when they're put on the spot. What concerns me is the speed at which he came up with that response. It wasn't even a full second between "prove it" and "raccoon skin thong." And those words sounded too familiar to him to be off the top of his head. It was like he was either already thinking about that, or he's had some experience with that type of undergarment. Either way, I'm creeped out by it.

But now it falls to me to find a good nickname for him. I need to be able to repeat it around everyone without being inappropriate, but I also want it to be clever and funny. So does anyone have a good nickname suggestion? Someone already suggested "Davy Crockett", but that's too obvious and not very clever.