Call It In

My older brother is no good on the phone.  Even though he used to work for a tech support center where he took calls from customers all day, he can't be on the other end of the conversation.  I like to listen in when he calls to ask someone a question.  Last week, instead of asking if a restaurant was doing a "kids eat free" night, he said, "Do you guys have free kids tonight?"  Luckily for him, the lady on the phone just told him it was a promotion at a different location.  And although I'm sure she meant kids eat free, I should have gone to that other location just to make sure.

The ironic part about my brother's ineptitude is that it comes from his fear of being an idiot.  He wants so badly to be liked and accepted that he trips over himself to do so.  If it weren't so tragic, it would be funny.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It is funny!  It's downright hilarious!  And I love irony!

Anytime he's around and someone needs to make a call to a business, we get him on the phone.  He doesn't know it, but we always find some excuse to hand the phone to him as it starts ringing.  Or we make him order food for everybody.  And though he tries to hide the sheer panic he feels, you can see it in his eyes as soon as he starts talking.  Here are a few things he's said while ordering pizza.

"What are your pizzas special?  I mean... what are your pizza specials?"

"Do you take cash?"

"Can you hold on?  I put it in a text, so I have to keep looking at my phone.  Wait, can I text it to you?  Oh, okay.  Hold on... let me read it."

"Hi, I'd like to order some pepperoni pizzas.  I mean... one pepperoni and two other pizzas with other toppings.  But all of them will be large and I think I have a coupon that... what?  Oh yeah, carryout.  Yeah, I'll hold."