"Sticks And Stones, Love"

The last time I got my hair cut, the lady cutting my hair told me that I needed to come in more often. She said, "You know, you won't lose so much hair if you get it cut more." But I hadn't mentioned the fact that my hair was thinning. So she forced me to take that awkward jump from denial into acceptance. Because usually I set up camp on denial until I can make some kind of joke about hair loss. But I didn't get to make that usual stop at self-deprecating break-the-ice humor ("I don't think of it as a receding hairline. I think of it as a retractable roof.") And it was totally unintentional, so I didn't even get an apology to work with. Because I can usually spin that into something funny. So I just sat there awkwardly because she basically told me that I was balding and it was my fault. So I felt like a complete loser.

And that kind of stuff seems to happen a lot. I feel like a loser because someone said something unintentionally mean. I can think of one example in particular from when my wife was pregnant with our first child (Well, my first child. We're still not sure if she's the mother.) I said something about how cool it would be to see how the baby looked when he was born. So here's our conversation:

My lovely wife: "Yeah, you know we're gonna be upset when he comes out with all our worst qualities. I bet he comes out pale, fat, and hairy."
Me: "Hey, wait a minute! Those are only my worst qualities!"
My domestic partner: "Oh no. I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that! I'm sure he'll be... um... well, he'll have... a weird-shaped big toe like me!
Me: "That's the best you can come up with? A weird big toe?"
The pregnant lady in my house: "Well, what do you want me to say? You have to admit that you're... it's just that I'm a little bit more... oh, never mind. I'm gonna offend you no matter how I finish this sentence."
Me: "Shhh! Lost is coming on!"