Add It To The List

People always assume that if you're getting an English degree, you want to be a teacher. And that was not the case with me. I have trouble handling misbehaving children (when I'm not allowed to strike them). And I have a crippling fear of public speaking. So if I became a teacher, someone would end up crying in the corner by the end of the first hour (most likely me). But people always asked me in college, "Are you gonna teach?" And my response was always a very emphatic "NO." And the apparently obvious follow-up question to any non-teaching English major is, "So what do you want to do when you're done with college?" Most of the time I would just say, "Graduate," and they'd laugh and we've move off the topic. But some people wouldn't let it go. So I had to basically tell them that I wanted to get my degree and then just get an office job and see what comes of that. And that's not exactly the answer they're looking for when they're asking a member of the next generation about their life plan.

So my point is that I still don't have a noun answer when people ask what I want to be. All the things I want to be are adjectives. Things like "successful" and "healthy" and "immortal." But I've never had a profession to point to as my goal.

But I have started a list of things I definitely don't want to be. It's basically a list of people I've seen that do a job that I could never do successfully. And that list includes (besides the obvious one - teacher) things like "Retail Manager" and "Toll Booth Guy" and "Mall Santa." But it's nothing against those people personally. If anything, I'm complimenting them. Because they have the courage and strength to put up with more than I can handle. It's just that I've seen their jobs and what people like me put them through. So I'd like to avoid those professions.

And after my lunch break excursion today, I added another very specific job to my list: "Guy Who Cleans Out the Vacuum Hoses at the Carwash." His job is essentially to clean out the evidence of my poor judgment. I spent 20 minutes experimenting, testing, and goofing around with that vacuum hose, and it's gonna make him hate his job. I'm sure he'll have a very different reaction than I did to the things that were discovered today. Where I was surprised that the hose could handle half of a month-old ham sandwich, he'll be disgusted. And where I was impressed that an array of dirty Kleenexes could glide effortlessly into the hose, he'll be repulsed by the clog he has to remove. And most importantly, when I quickly closed my doors and sped off from the ominous rattling noise I'd initiated, he'll be furious that his entire system shut down because of one very stubborn pair of sweaty tube socks.

If Superman Can Have Them, So Can I

I have this problem where there are really dark, puffy circles under my eyes. I can't remember a time when I didn't have them. And I didn't mind them so much because I saw Superman with them in one of his comic books as a kid (see here). But people can't seem to get over them. I was asked constantly at my first real job if I'd gotten into a fight the day before. And I had to reassure my coworkers that my eyes just turned blue and puffy if I got up too early.

And I can usually trace the dark circles down to a couple of factors. Number one is lack of sleep. But since November of 2006 (the birth of our oldest child), I've given up on getting enough rest. If I can function, I'm good. And my diet seems to play a part in the color saturation and puffiness. But I don't see myself changing my eating habits any time soon. So I think I can deal with the eye bags.

But it seems that recently, they've started getting worse again. I'm not so vain that I've noticed it. But people keep asking me if I'm alright when they see me before 10am. And just last week, I had a friend come up to me at church on Sunday morning and ask how I was doing. I replied with my usual, "I'm doing fine. A little tired, but I feel good." And his response was not "that's nice" or "glad to hear it." He went with, "You LOOK tired. Did you sleep last night? Are you alright?" So I had to go to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have a busted blood vessel in my eye or something. And sure, I looked like I had two black eyes, but anyone who's seen me more than once in their life knows that's just how I look. So I figured he can get over it.

The Once And Future Employee

You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a week. Or maybe you didn't notice, but I just alerted you. Or maybe you don't really care, in which case I wonder why you're even here.

Anyway, here's my excuse reason.  I quit my job last week.  It seemed that there was some shady stuff going on and I was forced to make a tough decision for my family.  With the stress of having to break that news to my very shocked employer and then having to organize all my work for the remaining people, I didn't have the time or positive attitude to blog.

So with the new job (which is actually going back to a former job), I should have more time and positive attitudes to think of funny stories.  Blogging for realsies should commence shortly.

What If I Skip The Setup For Today's Story?

My older brother was standing in the kitchen at his job the other day (not the same brother who works with me). And he thought he was alone, so he relieved himself of some pesky methane. Or as my little cousin used to call it, he "bubbled." And not two seconds after he "bubbled," a coworker walked into the kitchen. The coworker obviously smelled the newly released methane emissions because he wrinkled his nose and frowned.

My brother was gonna try to play it cool because he'd seen this guy before in meetings for his department. So it wasn't a complete stranger. So he just continued washing his coffee mug, and turned to leave when he was done.

The funny part was what the coworker guy asked him. He didn't say, "What's that smell?" or "Did you do that?" or any other embarrassing attention-drawng question.  He asked, "So are you new here?"

And the reason that's so funny to me is that my brother knows for a fact that he's met this guy on several occasions. And they've worked together for about three years. So the coworker was really saying one of these two things:

1. "So are you new here and you don't know that our company considers it rude to pass gas in a common area?"

-or-

2. "I know you're not new here. We've met on occasion. But I want you to know that I am now disavowing any perceived or actual acquaintanceship with you. I hereby and forthwith deny any knowledge of your existence as a fellow human being in my department. Good day sir!"

It had to be the second one, right?

Work Stories

My coworker was telling me today about her bratty little sister and how selfish she was. So as a joke, I said, "Wow, that's bad. Is she an only child?" And my coworker didn't catch it. She just said no and moved on with her story. It made me sad that she didn't get the joke. Sad for her, though. Not sad for my joke.

We interviewed a guy at work today who had put "Graphic Design" on his resume under Experience. And then we asked him about it and he said, "Actually, that's a bit misleading. I haven't done any graphic design." And my coworker (who I now know is the coolest person in the world) said, "Yeah, that's misleading. Lies are often very misleading." And then he sent him out the door. It was awesome.

We have an empty warehouse attached to our office. Today to relieve stress, my older brother put on his headphones during lunch and danced to music on his iPod. He didn't know I walked in because he didn't hear the door. He's got some moves for a big guy.

You're Hired!

A few months ago, my company was hiring an intern.  And I thought it would be funny to anonymously submit a resume to my boss with ridiculous accolades and skills.  I never owned up to it, and I used a fake name.  So my boss might have thought it was a real submission.  It's a shame an email wasn't sent for an interview.  I would have sent an actor in to play Curtis.  Anyway, I've copied the contents below for your entertainment pleasure.


Curtis T. Wonderbuck

1600 Your Mom St.
Awesome, TX 77777
myolderbrothers@gmail.com

Education
     Harvard University - Harvard, Puerto Rico
        Masters in High-Kicking
        Ph.D., Reverse Psychology
        Bachelor of Arts, Exuberance
        Bachelor of Science, ChuckNorrisology
        Bachelor of Scientific Arts, Awesomeness

Experience
     British Parliament - London, England
        Queen of England August 2001 - Present
             -Acting monarch of British empire.
             -Won 2008 Nobel Peace Prize.
             -Won 2008 Best Dressed Award from MAD magazine.
             -Trained and befriended 64 turtles.
             -Designed a new spaceship that runs on hopes and dreams.
             -Led 25 deaf/mute soldiers in conquest of Western Argentina
             -Utilized and implemented new dress code policy.

     Enron - Houston, TX
        Lead Shredder from November 2004 - August 2001
             -Won award for fastest shredder.
             -Taught secretaries and security guards how to shred stuff.
             -Made tons of money "legally".

Skills
-Can fit my entire fist in my mouth.
-Fluent in 86 languages.
-Never make any speling misstakes and I never forget punctuation especially the important ones

References and recommendations available upon request (not really, though).

The Gary Busey Of Golf

I'll spare you the apologies for not posting more often and skip the empty promises of more frequent posts.  I'm an important person with a real life outside of blogging and I don't need to explain myself just because you have a tiny picture on the right side of my blog.

Also, in case you're wondering, I'm waiting on a good Twitter name to come to me (or at least some more suggestions) before getting into that.

So anyway, my older brother is taking up golf. He's never played golf before in his life. I'm not even sure he's watched golf before. But he's gonna give it a try. And I think I'm gonna volunteer to be his caddy just so I can watch him. It's gonna be a train wreck.

And everyone has been giving him advice on what to do. They keep telling him to go to the driving range with a friend first and learn how to swing before hitting the course. But I know my brother. He's not gonna do that. He's gonna assume he can pick it up as he goes (like he tragically assumed with break dancing). And then he's gonna go all Happy Gilmore when he gets out there and do a running start on his first drive.

And my older brother is out of shape. So he's gonna be sore by the second drive. And then his performance, despite what you might think is possible, will decrease dramatically. And that's when the real fun will begin.

So I think I'll have to bring my video camera and get some YouTube evidence to post on here one day.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Tweet Your Heart Out

I'm thinking of starting a Twitter account.  I'm on the fence because it's essentially a Facebook status site.  But based on what I've learned from Charlie Sheen over the past few days, I think I might be able to gain a following there more easily than on here.  And as you all know, there's nothing I like more than people following me (on the internet and in real life).  So I need suggestions for a username.  And then I need everyone to follow me from here to there (and then to my house).

And for those of you wondering what I'll be tweeting about, here's one that I'll probably roll out pretty quickly:

Just finished watching a movie called "The Perceived Superiority of Printed Media," and I gotta say, the book was much better.

So that's what you can expect if/when I go a-Twittering.  And if you're my friend on Facebook, you've already seen that.  So it will be double redundant if you read it on my Twitter feed.

Anyway, I'll take any suggestions you have for usernames.  But I'll probably decide I'm funnier than you and come up with my own.

Parenting Advice

There are some things I will never do to my kids. I've heard of people telling their kids that they're going to the store, but then they take them to a dentist appointment instead. And then when the kid finds out what's happening, they start throwing a fit and you have to drag them by their feet out of the car. And then people start staring. And then the kid pouts and throws a fit in the waiting room. But that's cruel. I won't do that to my kids. My children may whine and cry the whole way to the dentist, but they'll know where they're going. And they'll know I'm not a liar. But I found out today that it's perfectly acceptable to trick your older brother.

I didn't feel like eating lunch in the office today, so I asked my older brother if he wanted to go to lunch with me. He asked where I was going, and I knew if I told him the truth (Quizno's) that he wouldn't want to go. But I wanted to eat relatively healthily. So I said we could go to Taco Bell if he drove. And he doesn't know this area very well because he just started working here. So I gave him directions, turn-by-turn to what he thought was Taco Bell. And then right before the last turn, I said, "I don't want Taco Bell. Let's go to this Quizno's." He knew immediately that I'd deceived him. And as expected, he started throwing a fit. I had to drag him by his feet out of the car. People started to stare. And then he pouted and threw a fit while we were in the restaurant. But I got what I wanted and he finally gave up and ate a sandwich.

So here's today's tip. Just because you can't do something to your kids because it's cruel doesn't mean you can't modify it and use it on an adult instead.