It Can't Be Comfortable, Even If It's Velvet

I'll apologize in advance for those of you offended by the words "butt" or "wedgie." I will be using them multiple times during today's post. So if you're not comfortable reading them, please skip this post. And for those of you sticking around, let us venture on into today's story!

So I went out to eat with my family recently and we decided to try out a newly-opened Mexican restaurant in town. We weren't sure what the dress code was since it was a new place, so we took a chance and wore jeans. And after comparing our clothing with that of the people at the table next to us, we realized we were highly overdressed. I say this because the people at the table next to us were wearing artistically torn Ed Hardy shirts with trucker hats (for the guys) and crushed velvet tracksuits (for the girls). And I don't think the tracksuits were meant to be "crushed" velvet. I think they started out as velvet and were overworn to the point of crushing.

Now I'm sure some or most of you are familiar with a brand of clothing called "PINK" or "LOVE PINK" (I'm not sure on the official name, but that's what's plastered all over the outfits). And across the butt is usually the word "PINK" with the "PI" on the left and the "NK" on the right (I didn't want to say "cheek" but that's what I'm talking about when I say "left" and "right"). Now in my family, instead of talking about wedgies openly, we try to come up with creative ways to discuss these backend clothing anomalies. An example of this would be one of us saying "Her pants are so far up there, I wonder if she can taste them." Or my personal favorite… "I think her butt is hungry because it's trying to eat her pants."

Well, one particular young lady was wearing a "PINK" tracksuit and had the most colossal wedgie I've ever witnessed in my life. It was so intense, that her butt simply read "PK" instead of "PINK." Her butt had actually devoured the middle two letters of the word! And the normal ways of describing wedgies were just not enough. So we spent the rest of the meal trying to figure out a new term that would do it justice. We decided on a term and I think we're going to keep using it because it's so fun to say. So the next time you see a monumental, gravitational-pull-of-a-planet type of a wedgie, join us in referring to it as "The Very Hungry Butt-apillar." (Now say it out loud. I told you it was fun!)