Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Coke + Joke = Choke

One of my older brothers is always the target of my jokes. I don't mean that I mock him or make fun of him or anything like that. I just think his laugh is hysterically embarrassing, so I cater my humor to make him laugh as much as possible in public. Because the more embarrassed he is about laughing, the louder his laugh becomes. So I do my best to get him going and then it's a snowball effect of laughter. I know it's a success when a manager asks us to leave or he snorts something out of his nose. And I've found that the best way to do it is to start small. Like, I'll lean in and whisper to him, "Okay Jay, don't look now, but there's a cross-eyed girl staring at you... and me." And I make sure to time it perfectly with him taking a swig from his drink. I've ruined about a dozen of my shirts from this technique because of the flying drinks, but it's well worth it. And for some reason he continues to hang out with me.

My favorite is in the movie theatre. It's the only place that combines the humiliation of a public setting with the complete anonymity of utter darkness. So I can pretend to be his "special" friend and demand loudly that he buy me a slurpy. And then he looks like a jerk for laughing at me. And for some reason, even though he's a grown man, the sound of fake flatulence still makes him giggle like a little girl. So I wait for the most serious part of a movie (like when a main character is killed) and let out the most realistic-sounding gas I can muster. This ruins the movie for everyone else, but makes it worth my seven bucks. And I get to walk away without a trace of guilt on me. He, on the other hand, has to walk out still laughing. So he reveals to the rest of the crowed that he was the idiot who ruined Schindler's List.

And if we go get coffee or ice cream afterwards, I usually try to talk in broken English or a thick accent when I order. ("You are having chocolate of the mint? I am wanting such mint, please.") And I ensure that I'm directly in front of him in line. But once, I had a stroke of genius. I sat down and pretended that my butt was trying to escape my body. So I was falling down and grabbing the bottom of my chair to keep it at bay (a la Ace Venture: Pet Detective). People were full out staring at me, and he choked on his soda.

So when he ruins some food or drink, I win. Spewing or choking on laughter is the ultimate compliment he can pay me. I remember driving home one night and inventing a "driving dance" where I spun my hands around the steering wheel and slammed my back against my seat to the beat of the music. It rocked my car around and I couldn't really control it. Childish, yes. Spew-inducing, yes. He ruined the upholstery and dashboard in my Geo Prizm, but it was totally worth it. But my shining moment was when I got him to snort a chunk of chocolate cake out of his nose at his birthday party ("It burns!") I don't think I'll ever top that.

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