Thursday, August 13, 2009


My older brother has this dog. It's a rat terrier. She's about a foot and a half long and weighs about 15 pounds. I don't know if you've ever seen a rat terrier before, so let me describe one. You know those cute little fluffy dogs that never bark and just kind pounce around on the carpet and make all the girls go "aww"? Yeah? Okay, my brother's rat terrier is the one that likes to grab those dogs and shake them until they stop moving. Then she runs around in a circle and yips for half an hour.

And I don't know if you've noticed this, but some people's names don't really match them. You'll see a big fat baseball player who has three feet between his shoulder blades, but he has the last name "Kruk". Or you see a much smaller guy and they have to squeeze "Grudzielanek" on his jersey in a big arc. Or it's like those Chihuahuas named "Butch" or those bikers named "Stacy." It seems that names sometimes don't match the name bearers. Well, my brother's dog is no exception. It’s the most vicious, loud dog on the planet. And he named her "Tink." Short for "Tinkerbell." He named his ill-willed, obnoxious dog after a beloved cartoon fairy. And I refuse to use that name for two reasons: 1) the name should match the dog and that dog is no Disney character and 2) I feel really stupid yelling "Tink" when I'm being attacked by an insane dog. So I just call her "Stink" instead. She doesn't know the difference, and I don't feel like a complete moron (a partial moron, yes... but not a complete moron).

And if there's such a thing as Canine ADHD, this dog has it. If you tell her to sit, she'll just hover an inch from the ground. If you start to walk past her, she'll try to weave between your legs, forcing you to choose between stepping on her or falling down. But worst of all, she smells. She stinks worse than any living thing I've ever encountered. She smells like a mixture of firecracker smoke and the air from an empty Super Soaker water gun. Or the unwashed hands of a six year-old. Or spicy bologna mixed with a sneeze. Or a hard-boiled egg mixed with burnt hair.

Okay, I think I've made my point. And I've probably made you gag.


AFWingMom said...

You didn't make me gag but you did make me laugh.

frigglesnitz said...

Ah, see, now my dog smells like Fritos, which is bizarre but not unpleasant.
Very funny stuff. Thanks for the laughs.