Monday, October 12, 2009

I Had To Look Up The Proper Spelling For 'Wedgie'

The best insults are the ones that hit a nerve or touch on a subject that someone is really insecure about. That's why you won't hurt my feelings if you make fun of the small amount of gray hair on my head. Because I'm not self-conscious about that. I'm okay with going gray way too early. But if you mock my not-crooked-enough-to-get-braces-but-crooked-enough-to-refrain-from-smiling-too-often teeth, then I'll probably cry and run away. But, my wife has found a new, nerve-hitting insult to throw out whenever I say something stupid. And all she has to say is, "Why don't you blog about it?"

See, I feel really dorky about certain aspects of my life. I don't broadcast some things about me because the average person jumps to certain conclusions (like "nerd" or "loser" or "needs a wedgie") when I talk about video games or Scrabble skills or writing a blog. And I know I'm supposed to embrace my individuality and all that, but just saying the word "blog" makes my voice go really high and gives me the urge to push glasses up my nose (even though I don't wear glasses).

So when my wife wants to send a zinger my way, she can avoid being mean but still give me an emotional wedgie (and if I ever start a band, our name will definitely be Emotional Wedgie). My wife will never make fun of my graying hair or my semi-crooked teeth. She's not mean like that. She knows that I don't have any control over that stuff and it would be cruel to make me feel more insecure. But when we get in a good-natured insult contest (or Yo Mamma competition) she knows exactly what to say. And I've yet to come up with an answer for it.

But now I've brought it full circle (like an emotional swirlie, maybe?). I start a blog, she mocks me for starting a blog, I blog about her mocking me for having a blog. And next, I think she'll mock me for blogging about her mocking of my blog. In the meantime, I have a headache from typing that last sentence.

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