Short Changed

A few years ago, I got married. I know, I know... I shouldn’t brag. But this is not about the proposal, the wedding, or the wife. This is about one of the simple gifts we received that brightened our lives. And embarrassed us.

We got some obviously re-gifted items from other newlyweds. We got the duplicate gifts from people who didn’t understand a registry. We got the baby shower gifts from the people who were confused about the announcement. We even got exactly what we needed and wanted. But the gift that sticks out in my mind was an unintentional fiasco. And those are the best kind.

My younger sister saw a pair of board shorts on sale at a department store a few weeks before my wedding. She knew we were going to the beach on our honeymoon, and she knew that I rarely participate in outdoor summer activities. (I need to maintain my copier-paper skin color, after all.) So she assumed I didn’t own a pair of board shorts and bought them for me as a little wedding gift. Needless to say, she was correct in her assumption. The last piece of swimming attire I owned was from the 2T - 5T section of Weiner’s.

It must be noted, for purposes of this story, that I could be considered by the average person to be a bit of a prude. I don’t drink, smoke, curse, or watch rated “R” movies. I like good, clean, silly humor. So any semblance of something to the contrary is an embarrassment for me. I don’t like to be associated with any of that other stuff.

Okay, so I happily packed my new blue board shorts and tore off the tags that explained how they “worked”. (Yes, that’s foreshadowing.) We got married and flew out to Florida to start our Disney-themed honeymoon. After a few days at Disney World, we headed off on our three-day Disney cruise. I wore the board shorts to the beach on the second day. We’re not really into the beach scene, as I explained before. So I just waded about waist high in the water for a few minutes, keeping my shirt on, and then came back up to sit down and relax. That’s when the board shorts started “working”. Apparently, these were the type of shorts that has a hidden pattern on them. And apparently this pattern only emerges when the shorts get wet. And apparently no matter how vigorously you try to towel dry them or how badly you wish they would, the silhouettes of naked women do not disappear until you get home and dry them in the dryer. Imagine my surprise and the shock to my new bride when we look down and see that boldly displayed on my shorts. It was a long walk to the taxi and a long ride back to the ship with 12 other tourists staring at me.

My younger sister has told everyone, including me, that she had no idea they had a pattern on them. The nice brother in me wants to believe her, but the realist in me sees the humor she would find in making a prude like me parade around with clothing-optional shadows on my legs.