They're There

My older brother is certified to teach English at the high school level. And that scares me because he doesn’t seem to be able to speak English at a high school level. He’s one of those people who says, “That’s a whole nother thing.” As if “nother” was a separate word. He also says “eckspecially” instead of especially. (“I eckspecially like when Gollum calls Sam the fat hobbit.”) “Eckspecially” is so wrong that when you type it on your computer, your spell checker doesn't even know what to suggest. It's underlined in red, but it says “no suggestions found.” And if spell checker can’t figure it out, it’s not even close. And the one that really gets to me is his misuse of the word “literally.” It’s so sad when a person with a Bachelor’s degree in English says, “Dude, I literally apologized a thousand times.” It must have been that university he went to. I have to blame someone, and they gave him the degree. So, I’ll have to blame them.

I also have a lot of trouble getting through his emails. (See if you can catch the examples of his mistakes in this paragraph. There are 7 of them.) Their the worst emails ever. If you read one, your constantly having to correct word mix-ups in it's wording. They always cause fights between he and I. Their so bad that I end up with a headache worse then a migraine. He's gonna make me loose my mind. Again I blame his educators.

I remember when my older brother was in college in his sophomore year. He had this one class called “Succeeding in College”. Going into the last week of the year, he was failing miserably. There were no more assignments left to do or tests left to take to bring it up from an F. So he met with his professor on the last day of the semester and talked her into bumping it up to a C. So doesn’t that mean he deserved an A? The class was called “Succeeding in College,” after all. I mean, if you can convince a professor to bump you up by two letter grades with one afternoon meeting, isn’t that the definition of success? That convinced me that he would have done well on the persuasive speaking debate team, had he shown any interest.

That reminds me of a joke I heard Demetri Martin make:

They say that drunk drivers are dangerous, but so are drunk backseat drivers... if they’re persuasive.
“Dude, take a left.”
“Those are trees.”
“Trust me.”