Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Itsy, Bitsy... Horrifying Omen Of Eternal Destruction

The times in my life that I've been closest to death almost exclusively involve spiders.  I've never been bitten by a poisonous spider or chased by a 10-foot spider, but I have come inches away from instant death on quite a few occasions.

Because spiders have this fascination with the inside of my windshield.  Not so much the outside, though.  They never seem to be on the outside of my car.  And I hate spiders.  And I mean it when I say hate.  They creep me out with the way they move and all those extra legs and the hair on my neck is standing up right now.  And I feel like one is on me as I type this (I literally just got the chills).  So I'm kind of a girl about spiders.  I blame it on my parents letting me watch Arachnophobia when I was 7.  I was not ready for that film.

So when I see a spider in my car, I'm sure that at any moment the spider will decide that the windshield is boring and he needs to feast on human flesh.  So I frantically try to find a large envelope or a grocery bag (blowtorch) to take care of the problem.  And the times I've been closest to dying are when I miss.  Maybe you've seen that "funny" video of the guy who tries to catch a huge spider on his wall with a glass from his kitchen.  He swings blindly and plants the glass against the wall.  But he doesn't realize that he missed it when he hit the wall, so the spider goes after him and he freaks out.  I've had nightmares because of that video.  And I've missed the spider on the windshield a few times.

Swinging at and missing a spider in your car while driving is the third-leading cause of non-lethal traffic accidents in this country (texting is number 1 and staring at other car accidents is number 2).  Because when you anger a spider, you immediately forget that you're behind the wheel.  You just start flailing and stomping and spitting (in case it flew near your mouth) until you can exit the vehicle or run into a tree.  And the next thing you know, you have an ice pack on your head and a police officer is laughing as he writes down your story in his little pad.


Jennifer said...

Don't forget that stomping when driving means hitting the gas and brakes in an interesting way.

Lynnette said...

I discovered last night that crickets can jump vertically, not just horizontally. I didn't need to know that.
Also, I find mosquitoes, bees, and wasps in the car to be much more dangerous to your (and your car's) health than spiders. But I've never watched Arachnophobia, so maybe that's why.