Top Ten Excuses I've Used for Being Overweight

10. I prefer to be warm, and it's cheaper than buying jackets.

9. I like to show off to the less fortunate countries.

8. I have a deal with NBC Nightly News to be their blurred-face person in the "America's Weight Problem" segment.

7. Every superhero has a weakness. Mine is ice cream blended with Twix bars.

6. The Big and Tall store uses better material in their clothes.

5. I'm filming a secret documentary about faking glandular problems.

4. I make my living in John Goodman lookalike contests.

3. I have big bones... and apparently a bunch of extra bones that skinny people don't have.

2. My mother participated in experimental growth hormone gene therapy when she was pregnant with me.

1. I'm not actually fat. I'm allergic to humans and I swell up like this whenever I'm within 100 feet of people.