Smell Ya Later!

I hate when a smell accidentally becomes associated with something bad. Like if you were eating peaches when you got the news that your dog died, you'd forever equate the smell of peaches with the death of your childhood pet. It's the same reason I can't be around buffalo wings. That's what I was eating when my favorite team lost the World Series. And I had a short aversion to barbeque because the smoky smell reminded me too much of the chain-smoking guy who always seems to be right in my face at work.

And I don't like holding my nose every time I hear the words, "I've got some bad news." So I keep a car air freshener close at all times. I just hold that up to my face when something bad happens. That way, I can just keep associating bad news with that air freshener smell. Let's just hope I don't meet someone that smells like that. We wouldn't get along.

Okay so speaking of smells, I have two really great ideas I want to put out there.

First, scratch-n-sniff t-shirts! They would solve the fundamental flaw in back-scratching. Everybody likes to have their back scratched, but friends don't volunteer very often, and it's awkward to ask strangers (trust me on that one). So let's put a giant decal on the back of a shirt that works like a scratch-n-sniff sticker. Then people can scratch your back and get a nice return on investment. You scratch my back, I'll... emit a strawberry aroma! Win-win!

Okay, second idea. Also smell-related. I say that retailers who sell video games (Best Buy, GameStop, Wal-Mart, whatever) offer a 20 percent discount if you don't smell bad when you buy the game. If they can see no visible dandruff, no stains on your clothes, and they can smell shampoo in your hair, then you pay 20 percent less. So GameStop won't smell like a SweatShop, gamers will be better groomed and save money, and I won't have to hold my breath when I'm looking for something in the electronics section with Greasyhair McLonely perusing titles next to me. Win-win-win!