Saturday, January 16, 2010

Classic Post

Since I've been blogging for six months now, and there are a few newcomers to the blog, I figured I'd start posting my favorite old posts on weekends and stuff. That way if people start reading the blog, they won't have to read 140 posts to get back to the ones I thought were good at the beginning. So here's my first blog post ever, called Restaurant Etiquette:

I can't go out to eat with my older brother anymore. And here's why:

He uses the waiter's first name like they're old pals.

"Tom! We're gonna need some more bread over here. Thanks, old pal!"

He also likes to tell the waitstaff that the entire party of 12 is ready to order as soon as we sit down, even if we haven't opened our menus and we're still wrestling toddlers into high chairs.
"Well, Tom, I'm glad you asked. I'll have a Diet Coke. And keep 'em comin' two at a time. I'm a heavy Diet Coke drinker. And I think we're ready to order even though you haven't passed out all the menus yet. The other side will be ready by the time you get there if you begin over here. I'll start!"

He apparently cannot answer with a simple "yes" or "no".

"Well, Tom, an appetizer does sound delicious. I'm a big fan of sliced, fried onion, after all! Who doesn't like a 7-dollar coronary disease guarantee? But I think the general consensus for our little group here today is going to be that we're not quite in the mood to try any of the wonderful-sounding appe-'teasers' this lovely evening."

He makes a point to fix other people's orders (even if the recipient is fine with it). And he requests their refills for them.

"Tom! Sorry to bother you while you're carrying three trays of hot fajitas, but my younger brother over here could really use another Diet Coke. He's positively parched. And I'm pretty sure my sister-in-law asked for no tomatoes on her hamburger. And as you can see, there's one on the plate next to the bun."

Pretty much the only reason I go is because he's started paying for my family's meals. But even that has its downfalls. Without fail, he offers to pay for every person at dinner and insists that people get whatever they want, only to forget how math works by the time the check arrives. So after ten minutes of looking at his receipt and remembering who had what, he picks on the two highest numbers on the list.

"Well Taylor, I hope you enjoyed that cheeseburger. I've never had one worth 11 dollars before. It must have been great. And I can't believe they charge this much for catfish, person-next-to-me. Are these famous catfish or something?"

I can even deal with all of that every once in a while. But he crossed the line last week. It was just him and me at a burger joint, and we had an "effeminate" waiter. Now, most married men will do everything in their power to solidify their hetero status in the presence of someone other than hetero. But not my older brother. He decided it would be appropriate to wink at him while making a joke. So that made my hetero status questionable. And I couldn't act upset, because then I'd look like the jealous half of a couple. I guess the good part is we got a free hamburger. But my older brother got a phone number I hope he never uses.


Kathleen said...

The funny!

The beginning, well, I'm a lot like your brother. I think using the waiter's (aren't we s'posed to be calling them servers or something now) name makes them serve you better.

And I always like to at least look like I'm going to order right away--even if the family is still settling in--because if you tell the waiter to "just give us a minute", they hear "just give us an hour". I don't know about your little natives, but ours get awfully restless waiting for our waiter to return in just a "minute".

That Mama said...

I just found your blog last week, and this is great stuff!!

As for calling a waiter by his or her name...I only do that once we really *are* old pals. That Dad and I get into these ruts where we frequent the same restaurant for months and do become friends with the waitstaff. Otherwise, I think it's just creepy. Too much familiarity is a bad thing.

Lindalou said...

Great story. Thanks for digging in the archieves as I a new reader as well.

Great stuff. Do you ever get in trouble with friends or family when they read your blog. Just curious.

( word verification is vommut. Do you think that means anything in particular? I can't stop laughing about it.)

Taylor said...

I think I've only gotten in trouble with someone once. And it was because of this post. But he forgot about it soon afterwards, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't read the blog anymore, anyway. So I'm good.