Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hit Or Miss

After I post this entry, one of two things will happen. Either I'll get hit by a big red truck in the parking lot this afternoon... or nothing. But I'm gonna take my chances.

This guy that worked in the cubicle next to me until recently was the most obnoxious-sounding person ever. He did a number of things that made it necessary for me to wear noise-canceling headphones (I actually refer to them as Bryan-canceling headphones). He just did weird stuff. For example, he whistled really loudly, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason. He didn't whistle a song or a tune. It was one of those "I'm-trying-to-get-your-attention" whistles that people do. So he'd whistle like that, and half the time someone would come around the corner to see what was going on.

He also brushed his teeth at his desk and spit it in his trash can. He didn't go to the bathroom (which I suppose would be the least strange place for a person to brush their teeth at work). He didn't go to the break room. He brushed them loudly at his desk for like 10 minutes. And then spit loudly into the trash can when he was done. Disgusting.

He was also the only person in the world who could snore while being completely awake. It's quite a feat. You have to have a few things to do this: a) a complete lack of self-awareness when it comes to noise, b) a habit of breathing through your mouth, and c) an apparent chronic congestion that modern medicine can't cure. If you have those things, you're sure to destroy the ears of your neighbors.

Now the reason I might get hit by a truck today is that the guy I'm talking about got laid off yesterday. And I think it's safe to say he'll never visit my blog, even though I gave him the link one time. But on the off chance that he visits my blog regularly and reads this, he'll probably want to run me over since I insulted him right after he lost his job. So if nobody hears from me for a few days, then put out an APB on a red Dodge Ram with a sizeable dent in the front, driven by a mouth-breather with very clean teeth.

2 comments:

Lindalou said...

OH, my...you crack me up. Great story and since we all work in cubes, we've all had annoying neighbors. I've had chronic throat clearers, nail clippers and one farter. (We actually talked to his manager...it was that bad.)

Me said...

I don't work in a cube. Now I feel left out.