I love coffee. Not like those yuppies at Starbucks who have to say 16 adjectives before spitting out some Italian word that means "coffee drink." I really just like the caffeine in coffee. That's what I'm addicted to.
Okay, wait. My posture is atrocious. As I'm typing this, I'm slouched so far down that I'm almost forced to look over my wrists. I'm practically sitting on the ground. This is ridiculous. By the time I'm an old man, I'll look like I'm standing on the back my own neck. But every time I try to work on it, I end up back in the slouched position within a few minutes.
Okay, let me try something new. I'm now sitting straight up, shoulders square, feet directly below my knees. And I already feel like I'm dying. Why does it hurt my abs? And I'm getting a crick in my neck. I think I'm blacking out.... Okay, I can't do this. Back to normal. The back of my head is against the chair now. That feels better.
What was I saying?... Oh yeah, I'm glad I'm addicted to caffeine. Other addictions are scary. My addiction is completely cost-free (thanks employer!) and has minimal side effects (side effects of coffee may include: frequent potty breaks, mild to moderate pretentiousness, and in rare cases... blogging). And the best part is that nobody's ever been taken aside to talk about their potential caffeine addiction. ("It's just a little coffee to take the edge off. I can quit anytime I want to!") A&E doesn't air episodes of Intervention about caffeine. Although that would be an awesome SNL spoof now that I think about it. They could have the family waiting when the "addict" comes in with a Starbucks travel mug ("You have to leave that outside, Stan.") And then the recovery center they're sent to could be called Wake Up and Smell the Sunrise or something to that effect. Yeah, I'd like to see that. I'm gonna call Lorne Michaels.