Wednesday, January 26, 2011

In The News

I decided to try my hand at satire. And after writing a fake news story, I found out that The Onion does not accept, read, or appreciate user-submitted content. And I didn't want my efforts to go to waste.  So that means you get the pleasure of reading my first attempt at a mock news story. Enjoy:

Study Reveals Children among Dumbest Americans

MADISON — A new study from the University of Wisconsin has uncovered a shocking trend regarding education and intelligence. After a decades-long research study conducted by top minds, it has been found that over 20% of the least intelligent Americans are below the age of 12.

"We're as surprised as anyone at these results. We've been told for years that children are our future. And the numbers we're seeing make that future look a little scarier," lead Education researcher Tony Brandaroni told reporters at a press conference today. "To think… we're allowing this specific group of people to stay out of the workforce at the cost of billions of dollars by the government! And it's all under the idea that these little morons will be running our country one day!"

The study was based on standardized testing data available for all age groups. So scores on SATs and state-required exams were taken into account. Researchers had a difficult time finding certain data to begin with; causing wind of a conspiracy.

"Of the miniscule data we found, it was apparent that adolescents don't have a clue what's going on. 98% of children in elementary school scored below 800 on their SATs," continued Brandaroni. "And we were only able to find a handful of elementary students' scores. This astounding lack of test results only confirms our suspicion that there's been an attempted cover-up."

The statistics they do have are quite poignant. Only one in 1000 children below the age of 9 have even finished elementary school. The jobless rate among kids between the age of 5 and 14 is well over 78%. That staggering number is astronomical compared to the national average of 14%. And of the children with jobs, not one profession was deemed to be "intellectually challenging." The bulk of work done by children was limited to the fast food industry, grocery store sacking, and factory work.

But the study hasn't come without opposition, and certainly not without some controversy. Child equality advocacy groups are crying foul. And critics of the research dismiss the claims as blatant ageism.

"Well that's just another prejudice you can add to the list these days," famed Education blogger Glenda Frenski stated. "Obviously they didn't conduct the research correctly. I know plenty of intelligent children. It's clear that these researchers wanted some attention, so they fabricated their test results to match their preconceived ideas. Children have been fighting for years for equal rights."

But the researchers are standing by their findings.

"These numbers don't lie. If you're an American under the age of 12 (and realistically more like 15), you're an idiot," said Brandaroni. "And we can quantify that idiocy with telling statistics about your lack of intelligence. It's hard to argue with verifiable fact. Especially when you're an idiot."


Leah Hollett said...


Anonymous said...

Brilliant. The Onion missed out! It's probably run by a bunch of 11 year olds.

Julia W